Widow with wings

Part II

Posted on February 15, 2014February 15, 2014 by Widow with wings

And then…

Lymphoma of the bone marrow. This was what the doctor was telling us, but all I felt was a blow to the stomach and my lungs deflate. It was the most surreal moment. It was as though I was outside of my body watching the conversation unfold. I knew the doctor was speaking to us, and I knew I needed to hear everything he had to say, but I was somewhere else. I had to shake my head to return to the conversation and focus on his actual words. He gave us the prognosis and a brief description of a plan of action that really made no sense at the time. When he left the room, I had taken on a new role…caregiver.

I ran to my boys and hugged them all and then made all the necessary phone calls, where I repeatedly broke down sobbing. I took the boys home and began making plans for the next few days. I would hold it together in front of the boys, but when I stepped away I would break. At one point, talking to my sister explaining what was happening, I fell to the ground in front of my house, hyperventilating, asking why, why, why. This couldn’t be happening to us. I knew I was going to have to be stronger than I had ever been before in my life. I just didn’t know if I was capable of this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m one tough chick, but this was some serious shit and I had three boys and now a sick husband to take care of. I know it wasn’t the truth in the matter, but it was my reality…this was all on me. There was no room for me to make any mistakes. I had to be everything to everybody and I had to do it right…right now.

This was going to be a long tough road and we had no map to follow. We were heading out on an unknown path and I felt all alone, even though we were in this together.

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It’s Always Darkest Before Dawn

Posted on February 14, 2014 by Widow with wings

Significant moments happen everyday. The problem with these moments, is that we don’t always realize they are significant until we have some distance from the event and can reflect on the impact they have made. Unfortunately there are those moments that when they occur…the second they occur, you know they are significant and you know that you will never be the same. This third significant moment in my life is one of those. I can remember the moment clear as day and I knew immediately I would never look at my life in the same way. This day was August 9,2014.

It all began August 3. My husband Pat, hadn’t been feeling100% for a few days and it seemed as though he was fighting a bug, as we all do from time to time. We were having our annual “beach” party and had a lot of work to do to prepare. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the energy to get up and do anything. He rested throughout the day so he would have energy for our guests. He felt bad that I was busy and decided he was going to rake up the beach. He was working for a few minutes and when I turned to look at him, he was white as a ghost and dripping in sweat. He was breathing heavy and he looked terrible. He went to lay down and get him self going for the party. Fortunately, the party was early ending and we were able to go to bed at a decent hour. He had tried to take it easy throughout the night, but soon after we went to bed, he started to throw up and felt warm.

The next day, he stayed in bed and tried to rest. He was exhausted within minutes and was white and sweaty. He went up and down with fevers, and slept a lot. By Monday he was still feeling terrible, and decided to tell me that he was having chest pains and thought we should go to the doctor on Tuesday. I didn’t know what to do, so I took him to an urgent care down the street. They gave him an ekg, which he failed. They wanted to transport him by ambulance to the emergency room less than 1/2 mile away. We could see the hospital from the room we were in. After arguing about the ambulance for a bit, they released him so I could drive him to the hospital. Stupidly, I didn’t know where to park and found a spot at the bottom of the hill and we walked up to the er. Poor Pat. He couldn’t breathe and his heart was hurting but he made it up the hill and was immediately taken back in a wheelchair. They gave him another ekg, which he again failed. This meant he was going to be admitted to the hospital. They tested his blood to see if there were any heart enzymes released which would indicate a heart attack…there were none there. He was not having a heart attack. We were relieved and thought he was going to be discharged quickly with a stern talking too about quitting to smoke, eating better and going to see a doctor for regular check ups. But this slowly disappeared after day after day of tests and doctors. They couldn’t figure out what was wrong. Not until August 9.

This was the day that changed our world in a flash. When a doctor walked into our room, looked at our three boys and said we need to get them out of the room, I knew what was coming….

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Baby Steps

Posted on February 12, 2014February 12, 2014 by Widow with wings

Today is day two. The day I talk about my horrible experience on September 11, 2006. At the time I was 7 months pregnant with my third child. I already had two boys at home, Seamus who was 3 and Quinn who was 19 months. I was a stay at home mom at the time and not the happiest to be pregnant yet again. I started to feel sick and figured I had the flu. I was throwing up and had a temperature that was ranging from 101 – 102.5. I was sleeping ALL the time. I thought that was what I needed in order to get over this illness. My husband figured I was sick and I was tired from being pregnant, so he did his best to handle things. After a while, he did get frustrated because I wasn’t taking care of the boys during the day and letting them play with my jewelry and make quite a mess in the house. Finally after a few days, my husband told me I had to contact the doctor. When I called it was a Sunday afternoon, so obviously they were not open. I left a message and went back to bed. That night, I was sweating a lot and woke up several times soaking wet. When I awoke on Monday I guess I thought I was better. The doctor called me back and I said I felt good. What did I know? My sister came over and took the boys from me so I could sleep some more. I don’t remember much more of that day…Monday, September 11.
My husband filled me in on the rest of the events that took place. When he got home from work, I was acting crazy. For example, I didn’t know how to open a jar of peanut butter, and I tried to use my husbands sock as a headband…Things like that. My husband suggested I go to the hospital because he felt something was wrong. I wouldn’t do that. He decided to call 911, but when they arrived I was not a happy camper. I was not going to go easily. I remember bits of pieces of these moments, but more like memories of a movie. I was swearing and yelling and screaming, and not being the sweet little thing I usually am 🙂 I was fighting with the paramedics and being a whole lot of nutty. When they got me to the hospital I had a spinaltap and it was determined that I had bacterial meningitis. Remember I was 7 months pregnant. This wasn’t an illness that pregnant woman typically had. I was transported to another hospital where I was placed into a medically induced coma. That is where I remained for 1 week.
When I awoke, I was obviously confused and completely unaware of what had happened to me. As I was filled in on the events over the past week I was totally blown away. There was a high chance of me dying. They had a crash cart ready for me and the baby. They thought that if I did survive, I wasn’t going to be the same. And if the baby survived, they would have their own issues. For example poor muscle development, and skin coloring issues. Fortunately, I woke up and was not brain dead. I did have some issues. I had to go to physical therapy to walk, talk do math and take care of myself again. I had to regain some memory and fine motor skills. What a week.
When the baby arrived, I had a perfect, beautiful baby boy with no issues! Not to mention, my eye sight had improved. It was a struggle to come back from this event and I lost some memories and some short term memory issues. But overall, I am fine, and so is Aidan, my sweet 7 year old.
This event made me view life and death differently. I realized I wasn’t immortal and how quickly everything can be taken from me. In a way I think I should have learned more than I did from this close encounter with death, but I can definitely say I am thankful to be alive and for all that I have.

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“The first step is that you have to say that you can” Will Smith

Posted on February 11, 2014 by Widow with wings

And so it goes. Starting this blog is something I have wanted to do for some time. For some reason fear has held me back. Fear of what people will think, fear of having nothing to say, fear of having too much to say. I’ve also been able to come up with a million excuses not to write. It has been 16 days since my last post. Why? Let’s see..I’m tired, the boys are crazy tonight, I’d rather sit and do nothing, I’d rather watch t.v., I don’t know what to say, the computer is running slow, I didn’t charge the laptop, and so on. Really I have no excuse. I just haven’t had the confidence to do it. So here I am. I am going to start again with saying Yes I can. I can do this, and even if no one cares about what I have to write, I care about what I have to say.

My new goal for myself is to write a post everyday for 1 week. No excuses. If I can do that…No I can do that and when I do, I will continue on with my writing and feel proud. I want to make a change in my life and figure things out. If I don’t take the risk and see what is truly inside,I will never be able to reach this goal.

My last post focused on the first significant moment in my life…Todd. My stalker who changed me in ways I never really knew. He changed my feelings of security and trust, my self image and confidence. The experience pushed my life and my focus in a new direction. There were two more significant moments in my life that are quite a story. I think tomorrow I will share the events of my own personal, 9/11.