Widow with wings

A note to myself: you’re doing better than you think

Posted on December 28, 2016December 27, 2016 by Widow with wings

I find that I need to remind myself these days that I am not only surviving as a solo mom of three, but that I am doing a good job. I tend to focus on the things I am not doing, or the mistakes I am making rather than looking at how far I have come and what I have accomplished. I think this is normal. I am terrible at expressing myself verbally to people in order to tell them how I am feeling and so when I feel I have something to say to them, I write them a letter. Well, right now I feel as though I need to write a letter to myself to express what I am feeling towards me…a sort of reminder or check in on how I am honestly doing as a widowed mother of three. So here is what I have to say…

Dear Denise,

I know this has been a tough road you have been on and you have been beaten down to where you don’t want to get up again. Your days are a constant struggle to find your way and raising those boys has been exhausting. But I want you to know that you have impressed me with how far you have come. I remember after Pat died how you had to consciously tell yourself to get up and take care of the boys. Every moment of your life was something you had to intentionally do. You didn’t know how to do anything and didn’t want to do anything. How many times did you drop the kids at school and just want to keep on driving until you disappeared? I remember those times of darkness. You didn’t think you would ever make it through the day….but you did. You went to sleep each night and woke again in the morning. You got up, did what you had to do the best that you could, and kept on going. It was the most difficult thing you have ever had to do….I know this.

And time has passed and you are still going. You are no longer taking baby steps to get through the day. Not even baby stepping through the week. You are out of bed, out of the fog and heading out of the darkness. I know you have put a lot of work into where you are now. This healing didn’t just happen on its own. You put in the time, reflected on who you are, who you were, where you’ve been, and where you want to go. You have pondered, and cried, questioned and cried, searched and cried and cried some more. You battled the demons in your head and worked on healing your heart. You took the time to introduce yourself to the new you and spent the time getting to know who you are now. You gave yourself the gift of grace and the gift of time to find your path and gain your footing on this new journey.

You did all of this while raising three boys. You have held them up and held them tight. You comforted them when they were lost, and scared and sad. You helped to guide them in the right direction and to see the beauty in a life worth living. You help them to remember their daddy and to see him in their everyday lives. You did this. No one else. You kept your little family going the best way you knew how. You did this and you should see that. You should be proud of that.

None of this has been easy…I am aware of this fact. You did what you had to do. You have made mistakes along the way. But you are learning from them and living forward. You are not letting your loss and pain and suffering be the end of you. You must keep going for you and for your boys. There is an amazing future for you if you just keep working for it. Keep living with an open heart and an open mind. Focus on what you are looking for and remember what is truly important to you. That is how you will find your happy ending. Only you know how to get to that place. Only you can bring you to true happiness. You have done so much already…there is no quitting now. Don’t quit before the miracle happens. Stay the course and keep true to you.

You know what you are doing…even though you say you don’t. Trust your instincts, follow your heart, listen to your gut. Love those boys like never before and keep working towards your dream. You so totally got this.

With all my faith in you for the future,

Denise

grief, living forward, widow

A Widows Christmas: Part 2

Posted on December 19, 2016December 18, 2016 by Widow with wings

This is my second holiday season as a widow. Last year I spent the holidays just trying to get everything done and make sure the boys had everything they needed and that they felt comfortable without their dad. I tried to keep it as “normal” as I could under our circumstances. See last year we were not in our own home. Not only had we lost Pat, but we had to leave our home for six months due to some major construction to the foundation of the house. We spent the holidays in a rental home. We didn’t have access to our Christmas decorations, or anything. We didn’t have lights, or stockings, or anything that made us feel like it was Christmas. We were living out of boxes and in a mess of things. But the holidays come no matter where you are or what state of mind you are in.

I thought I was doing okay. I was getting all the shopping done, staying on top of school parties and making sure Christmas morning was just as it always had been before Pat died…like that was even possible. But I was trying. We always had a breakfast casserole and cinnamon rolls for breakfast after opening presents. And we always had spaghetti dinner. I was prepped and ready for the day.

The boys came down and were happy to open presents and give me the gifts they had made. It felt okay. We were doing okay. And then it was time for breakfast. I took all the ingredients out to get cooking but didn’t have a pan to cook it in. We had a house full of rental furniture and dishes and stuff and there was no casserole dish to cook breakfast. This was what broke me. I left the house in search of a store to buy a pan, crying the whole way. I couldn’t do this on my own. I wasn’t cut out for this. I had messed up and ruined Christmas. I ended up at my friend’s house in the neighborhood crying on her couch as she quickly found me a casserole dish to help me out. I was a mess. It pretty much summed up my first Christmas as a widow. I had been shoving down all the pain, and sadness I was feeling just to push through the days with the boys. I was putting on a show for everyone, including myself, that I was doing okay. I wasn’t… What a joke.

So here I am in the middle of my second Christmas season as a widow. We are less than a week away from the big day and all I can say is what a difference a year can make. I don’t feel that agonizing pain and loss. I don’t feel alone and overwhelmed. This year it seems people have gone away, as they do, and so we weren’t pulled in as many directions as we were last year. There weren’t the parties or get-together we use to have to attend. And last year I felt obligated to go to everything and see everyone. I was worried about hurting other people… I’ve gotten over that. Now I worry about the four of us and what we need. So I am sure that has helped me out this year. I can focus on what is most important and that is us being together and making memories together.

Now don’t get me wrong. This is no Norman Rockwell painting here. I do have three boys between the ages of 13 and 10…there is a lot of chaos and fighting going on in this house. But it is something that just is. It isn’t a result of Pat not being here. It’s just the fact that there are three boys filled with testosterone fighting for their place in this house. It just is. We aren’t weighed down this year with the sadness. Yes we miss him. Yes we wish he was here to celebrate and be with us. But that’s not our reality. We can’t live like it is. I am glad that we aren’t . We are all trying to turn the page and start living forward. We have started to make new traditions. We are changing some of the old traditions too. It is a part of becoming the new us. The Mahoney 5 is gone in the physical sense and so we can’t expect everything else to stay the same too. We have created our new family and our new way of being. It has brought new challenges, but it has also brought us new happiness.

I think that this year is better because the fog has lifted. I don’t feel that weight holding me down. I can see where I am headed and I know we will figure it all out. Each day is still a struggle, but it is not the same struggle as it was last year. Now it is more of the struggle to raise these boys and help them to succeed in life. Parenting alone is the struggle this year…not the holidays.

So as the days bring us closer to celebrating Christmas, I am hoping that I truly am doing Okay this year. I am hoping that this year will not end up as a rerun of last year. I don’t feel as though it will. But hey, this widowhood thing always has a surprise waiting around the corner and sometimes you just don’t know what is coming your way. I am just going to try to keep on moving in the right direction and pray for a peaceful, Merry Christmas.

img_20161205_192201841 — Merry Christmas 2016

grief, living forward, widow

One Last Good-Bye

Posted on December 16, 2016December 15, 2016 by Widow with wings

I never said good-bye to Pat before he died. We said a lot of things to one another, but I refused to say good-bye. It was me and him forever and therefore there was no room for good byes. I would see him again. I will see
him again. But since he has died, I have had to say good bye to a great deal of things from my “former” life.

Right after he died our house had some major issues to it and we had to move out in order for a complete renovation to occur. I was forced to pack up all his belongings, everything we had accumulated together for the past twenty years, and put it into storage. Pictures came down off the wall, his clothes came out of the drawers and my physical memories of him were taken from our home. And we when we moved back in it just didn’t feel right to put his stuff back in the new house. It was a new start for us and I couldn’t see hanging everything back up in the closets when he wasn’t here to use them. It was a difficult thing to do especially so early on after he died. But we did it. empt

It seems to me that most everything in the physical sense that was Pat’s before he died has been packed away, and said goodbye to. Everything except one. .. His car. For the past year and a half I have had two cars. My car, which my parents have taken over thankfully, and Pat’s car. I could have turned his car in after his death because it was in his name, but mine I had to keep since it was in mine. But I didn’t want to give up his car. I liked his car. It was his. He only drove it a couple of times before he died, but it still had all of his things in it. It was a physical connection to him.

The boys and I have taken some great trips in this car over the past 20 months. We went to Florida, Kentucky, Chicago, Traverse City, Grand Haven (twice), and many other local trips filled with amazing new memories. We haven’t touched Pats stuff in the console…it’s just as he left it so it was like we were taking him along with us. But the lease is up now. The time has come to turn his car into a memory too. It is our final goodbye. The last physical item we have that belonged to Pat, that belonged to my “former” life. It is leaving us today and we are starting a new…again. .

I’m having mixed feelings about this. I am sad about letting another piece of him go. My mind is fully aware that it is only stuff and not him, but my heart feels like I am losing something more than a car. I miss Pat. The car is just something else I have to let go and learn to live without. We will make more memories and travel to great places together in the new car, I know this. The future has so much for us. We already have our first trip planned over the holidays. A new adventure. Another new beginning.

So even though good byes are usually sad and beginnings are usually scary…I know that in the middle, all those memories we will make, is where the good stuff lies. Just because I am letting go of Pat’s car, I know that doesn’t mean we are letting him go. We aren’t losing him anymore than we already have. We are simply making room for something new and hopefully exciting to come our way…the future.

widow

It’s a little bit about you: A widows need for self-care

Posted on December 6, 2016December 5, 2016 by Widow with wings

cope

Being a widowed single mother of three boys, I have found that every moment of my life is spent taking care of someone else. In fact it was that way even before Pat died because I was Pat’s caregiver for two years prior to his death. There is little time for self-care as a solo parent. I feel guilty when I don’t put my kids needs or my families needs, or anybody else’s needs before mine.

When Pat died I met a fellow widower whom I hardly knew at the time. We met to discuss our common situation and perhaps provide support to one another during this horrible time in our lives. At this meeting, he told me how his focus had to be on his kids. They were the most important thing and it had to be all about them. I thought he was the most selfless person I had ever met. He was willing to give his life to his children after losing their mother.

I admired this.

I envied his dedication.

I felt like the worst mother on earth.

I felt I a bit selfish because I felt the need to take care of me. I couldn’t make it ALL about the kids. I just couldn’t. I asked him, it has to be a little bit about you too, doesn’t it? Because I couldn’t imagine my whole life…my whole life revolving around my kids
. My theory was that you can’t be your best for them if you aren’t your best for you. You have to take care of you too.

I think perhaps it just takes time to realize the need for self-care. We as widows have a lot to deal with. Grief is just the starting point. When there are children involved it is a whole other level of pressure that is put on us. But this can be
true without kids. Taking care of others ends up being part of the job description. It
begins early on.

I found myself comforting others after Pat died, and even today I find myself trying to make others feel better. I feel like I often find myself in the position of convincing others I am okay and we are doing alright, which we are by the way, in order to make them feel better. In my story the focus has been about my kids. I want them to be okay. I want them to survive this loss and still live a normal healthy life. I want to be the best mom and dad for them. I think that is what anyone would want. But I wasn’t doing this so well in the beginning. I was a mess.

I think it was because I was always thinking about them first. I would take care of whatever they needed and comfort them whenever they needed, or did whatever it took for them to be okay… even when I was falling apart. I would pull myself together and do what I had to do. I did this for others too. I did this because I wanted people to see that I was going to be okay. I didn’t want pity and the pathetic head tilting “how are yous?” I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me. I wanted them to know that yes I am in a horrible situation right now and I just lost the love of my life, but I am strong and I will survive. And so for them as well, I would pull myself together and put on a happy show. I never wanted to make people feel uncomfortable or awkward around me. But this began to wear on me. Having to always keep it together and be strong in front of everyone started to become too much. I was no good for me…I was no good for my kids…basically I was no good.

I wasn’t dealing with what I had to deal with. Without taking care of my grief, I was keeping my kids stuck in a bad place too. It’s like when you are on an airplane and the
fight attendants tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help others. I had to give myself a moment to heal before I could be any good t care o anyone else.

This didn’t take me long to figure out. I was struggling from the get go. Within two weeks after Pat’s funeral I realized this need of mine. A good friend of mine, who was also widowed herself, told me that this was “My Year of Grace”. It was okay for me to do what I had to do in order to get through the loss. It was okay not to worry about what others thought. It wasn’t selfish…it was healthy.

She was right.

Once I started taking time for me, I was a bit better for others. It wasn’t instantaneous, but it happened. A morning walk, or coffee with a friend…I actually took a trip to California on my own for a few days. These things all helped me by allowing me to focus on where I was, what I was feeling, and what I wanted to do next. When the grief would hit hard, which it did often, I allowed myself to feel the pain so that i could work through it. I could process it. I didn’t always have the answers, or figure things out. It was tough. It was painful. It was some of the most difficulty days and nights of
my life…But it gave me a chance to face my grief head on. I had a lot of work to do in order to get out of the fog. The tunnel of darkness can last a long time and it is lonely and it is scary and is overwhelming. But I knew that I someday I wanted out. I couldn’t live one day longer than necessary in that place. And the fastest way to get out of the darkness and back into the light, is to just go through it. You can’t run from it or think it is just going to pass you by. You have to stare it down and work your way through one baby step at a time. It is the toughest work I have personally ever had to do. But I did it. Every day. I’m
still doing it. Eventually the darkness becomes a light shade of gray and soon there is a light and you find that life is waiting for you once again. Perhaps we simply have to absorb the darkness and make it apart of us before we can begin to see the light again.

But, in order
to do this, we widows have to recognize that we are just as important as everyone else around us. We have to see that although we are the caregivers for our friends and family, we have to be the caregivers for ourselves too. A moment out of the day for ourselves does not make us selfish. Some time for what we want to do, or watch, or eat, or listen to, or whatever, does not make us horrible people. It makes us human.

So I am asking you to make yourself a priority so that you can be the best you can be at this place and time. It may not be the BEST you of your life, but in the chapter that you are in with your grief and in your life, you will see that a moment just for you can do wonders for your soul. It takes time to find our way. But each day brings another opportunity for us to heal and to grow and to take another step forward. One step…no matter how small it is, brings us one step out of the darkness…and maybe, just maybe, one day the fog will life, and the light will shine on us yet again.

cup

grief, inspiration, living forward, widow, widowhood

To the new generation of widows

Posted on December 2, 2016November 30, 2016 by Widow with wings

Since I have been writing I have connected with a large community of widows and widowers. What I have noticed and learned about it is that we are a new generation of widows. We are not the picture you think of when you think of the word widow. We are no longer the little old lady or man dressed in black walking around broken and alone. We don’t hide out and depend on others for everything because we are broken in two.

The new generation has a passion for life. We have been broken but we will not remain that way. We are empowered. We have a voice and we want to be heard. We no longer want to hide away and suffer the rest of our lives. We want to find a way out of the darkness and live again. Sometimes it may take a while for this to happen and sometimes we slip in and out of the darkness, but the difference is that we want to find a way out.

Thanks to social media and the internet we can find a place where we can see that we are not alone. There are others just like us and what we are going through is normal and okay. We can lean on each other, whether it is through a simple email or reading someones blog about their experiences. When we connect with each other we take another step out of the darkness. I am thankful for this.

cocoon

I don’t think the widows of the past had this. They had no way to find one another. They were alone in their suffering and others looked on them as broken and were either forgotten or pitied. I don’t want to be either. I want to be a part of the world again. I want to burn the fire that still lives inside me for all to see.

We need to continue to listen to each other and share with each other without judgment. We all have our story and our own road to healing. There is no one right way. Just what is the right for you.

Another difference is that it seems to be us widows are getting younger and younger. There is a large group of us out there that are under the age of 50 and have lost our spouse. We still have a lot of life left to live. It isn’t the life we had planned on, but there is still life out there. This new generation of widows now have to grieve for their loss, find their new life and start to live again. It isn’t the same group of widows who were married for 50 years and will spend the rest of their lives alone. Not they all do either. Not that they don’t feel the same pain. It’s just different.

I have found that being a young widow has its challenges.

the challenge of having to continue to raise young children.
figuring out where we fit in this world of couples as a young single person.
trying to navigate the financial world on your own and plan for the unknown future
finding people to connect with that understand
navigating family situations both nuclear and in-laws
not having a partner to lean on
and so much more…

I never imagined I would be a 40-year-old widow. I never thought it was even in the realm of possibility. But here I am and here you are. We are widowed. We are young. We have a life left to live. I have to believe we are still here for a reason and there is still more for us to do.

So to this new generation of widows I say we stand tall and stand together. We are strong in who we are and what we want in life. We can make decisions for ourselves based on what we want and what we need. We can have the life we deserve without others judgment or disapproval. We do not have to suffer in silence or dress all in black…though I do enjoy wearing black. We can go out with friends. We can laugh out loud. We can have a good time. And in time we can find happiness again…

grief, living forward, widow, widowhood

Ready to Walk the Talk

Posted on November 29, 2016November 28, 2016 by Widow with wings

I recently read a blog about walking between your two lives after the loss of a loved one. It clicked with me and has left me thinking about where I am walking in my life right now. The idea of the blog was that as a widow, as she is one too, there comes a time when you are living with one foot in your former life and one foot in the new world you have made for yourself. You have to try to balance the two and wait for the right time to fully step into your “new normal”, your new life.

I am finishing up my second year as a widow and I am amazed at how the journey of grief has gone so far. The beginning was all about surviving the pain and shock that came with Pat’s death. It was about helping the kids adjust and understand. It was simply forcing myself to get through each day. By the time the end of the first year rolled around I thought I was in a pretty good place with things.

I was wrong. The beginning of the second year was rough…on all of us. It came at us without expecting it which may have made the hit feel even harder. We were thrown off kilter for a bit but then settled back in. Most of this second year was about trying to figure out who I am now in this new world of mine. Trying to figure out what to do now. I accepted the loss of Pat and the fact that life will never be the same again. I learned that I am no longer the same person and what I want and desire in life is no longer the same. This has been my main focus for some time now. I am getting there. I have learned a lot about me and I have decided what I want and don’t want in life. The details aren’t completely mapped out just yet, but who’s life is a perfect plan in action?
Now I am finding myself in a new place. The feelings that go along with it are different too. Living in the end of my second year and seeing the third year heading towards me leads me to a place of let’s get up and get going. I think I have done a hell of a lot work for years now. I have thought about everything. I have analyzed, critiqued, adjusted and improved myself. I like who I am. I like where I am at…basically. The place I am in now is one of being ready to move forward. I have talked about the need to continue to move forward and in my mind I have. I have prepared myself mentally and emotionally for the move. Now I am ready to do it. I am ready for action. I am ready to step into the new life. It has come that time for me to say goodbye to that in between place we widows live in for a while. I have dipped my toes into life multiple times and retreated back to my safety, but here I am…ready.

action I think the fact that I have been writing like crazy shows I am back in the game. My book is coming along nicely and I am ready to begin the process of starting a non-profit. I am sure I will still be hesitant about things, but I know that now I am ready to get going on with this thing called life. It is time to start putting my words into action.

Walking between my two lives is sometimes quite a balancing act and it is mostly done in order to make others feel comfortable with things. People have their own opinions as to how we should live after the loss of a spouse. Even though they have never experienced it. It is okay. I get it. I didn’t know before I was one too. I thought I knew what it would be like or what I would or wouldn’t ever do, but you never know until you live it. I understand that people can be uneasy with me finding a happy life after Pat. It’s not that they don’t want me to be happy…they do. But it needs to be on their timeline…when they think I should start being happy and what that should look like. So I walk that line. I don’t want to hurt people or make them think I didn’t love Pat or our life together by finding happiness again. I want to be considerate of others feelings and ease them into the new me. All that I have now…happiness and my new life honestly has nothing to do with the love I have for Pat. It is two separate things. The amazing thing about the heart is that there is room for more than just one love…more than just one life can bring you happiness.

There is no way in hell I would have believed any of that 2 years ago. But now that I have lived this life, I know that it is. The heart has an abundance of love to give. Just because you love another, doesn’t diminish anything you had with the first. The love goes on. Just because you find happiness and peace doesn’t mean you are “over” anything. I will never be “over” losing Pat. The pain is just something different now. The wound has healed over, but the scar will always remain. My love with him and my life with him will always be with me. I will always have that. And I am proud to have that. Having a second shot at life and finding happiness or love or peace in life doesn’t take that away. It is different, but it can be amazing.

So as I am entering this next chapter of the grief journey I am ready to take the next steps necessary to ease me out of the waiting room and back out into the world. I have come to that point where I am wanting to get up and do something.

I hope you all stay with me on this journey. I can’ wait to see what keeps coming my way. It has been quite an adventure so far. I never thought I would make it to this point and find my way out of the fog of grief. I don’t only see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can finally feel the warmth of it shining down on me.

grief, solo parenting, widow

the struggle is real

Posted on November 28, 2016November 28, 2016 by Widow with wings

I am struggling these days with raising my boys. My boys are 13, 11 and 10 and they are a handful. They are full of energy and full of life. I envy that in them. They love to take risks and try new things and go out on a limb (literally at times) to have a good time. They have their father’s adventurous spirit and his rebellious attitude. The second is what is pushing me over the edge these days. I have had to learn, basically from the time of their birth, that my boys need the freedom to explore life and live in it. I know that they like to be a little crazy and a little loud and they simply are always looking for a good time. But lately, they have taken this attitude in to a negative place. They are not showing me the respect that I think I deserve.

I try to give my boys all that they need. This isn’t in a materialistic way, because I don’t live that kind of life. But in the fact that they are allowed to do a great deal and are given great opportunities to jump into their passions and interests. I want my boys to have a strong foundation to launch themselves out in this world. I want them to know that their momma believes in them and their dreams, and will always be their number one fan. I want them to know that their daddy wanted nothing more from them than for them to find happiness, love and passion for life.

But they are pushing me over the edge with their behavior lately. I just need some help from them. I need them to listen to me and do the little bit I ask of them. I ask for their help with the groceries, with putting their dishes in the sink, keeping their rooms in a decent condition (I’m not delusional that it will be clean all the time), I ask that they don’t call each other names and beat on each other all the time, and I ask that they treat me with respect. They aren’t doing such a great job at the moment.

So today I finally lost it. I blew my top with them. I told them how I felt….what I expected from them and what I had been given lately from them. I told them I didn’t know what else to do because I have been trying…I am doing my best, but nothing is working. So this is where we came to. Me acting like a screaming lunatic in the kitchen. And they cried. And I didn’t care.

Does that make me a horrible mom? I don’t think so. I want to get through to them. I want them to understand that I am struggling with being a single mom. I am having a hard time filling the shoes of their father, but I am doing my best. But I also want them to know that I love them. And they do.

They know that I will tuck them in and help them with their homework. They know that tomorrow morning I will make them breakfast and drive them to school. They know they can count on me and I will always have their back. They know their momma loves them.

But sometimes momma needs a little love too. I need to hear the thank yous and the I love yous. My boys aren’t so quick with those words, which only makes them mean so much more when I hear them unprompted.

I don’t know what I need to do now with them. I am at a crossroad. They need their daddy here. I need their daddy here to step in and put down the hammer when needed. They just aren’t buying it from me anymore. Something needs to change with them. It’s either I need to change my reaction to them, or they need to change their reaction to me….maybe it’s a little of both.

We had quite a “discussion” this …me explaining where I stand at the top of my lungs…not my finest moment as a mother. I think we need to try again in a calmer way to have a heart to heart. A family meeting. A meeting of minds and hearts to get this little family back on track. I can’t keep going on like this. And they don’t want or need a momma who is feeling the way I am right now. The struggle to raise these boys is a daily grind that wears me down. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in this world. They are my life and my world. I’m just looking for a little peace in that world. Is that too much to ask?

grief, living forward, widow

The tears of a widow

Posted on November 25, 2016November 22, 2016 by Widow with wings

A year and half later the tears are still falling. I have cried so much and for so long, I don’t know how there are still tears left to be produced. I cry for more than just my loss of Pat and the loss of me. I cry for all that I can not have and can not be. I cry for all that I have and all that I will never have. The feelings are much more intense now. I feel so much.

But the tears aren’t just running down my cheek for you all to see. I cry inside, I cry alone. My days are not like they use to be. There is so much more to ponder. So much more to feel. All the pressure that comes with being a widow can break you. But we widows, we are strong. We have been through hell and are fighting our way out. We know how to hide our pain and struggles. We hold it in and make it our own. I don’t like to share my inner thoughts and pain with others because I don’t think anyone truly understands. And I’m glad for them that they don’t, but I am sad for me that they don’t. It’s hard when you are all alone on the inside. Feeling like you are the only one that knows your pain and struggle. There are people who understand parts of what you are feeling and certainly there are many who can empathize, but it’s so not the same. The pain we have is so real and personal. We want for someone to get it, but we don’t want to have to explain it to any of them. We cry inside for someone to understand. We shed a tear when we can’t find a way to make it better.

But a tear is a sign that we are alive. It is the way our soul opens up and speaks to the world. We can’t always say what we are feeling and sometimes we don’t even now what we are trying to say. Tears give our soul a voice. And it doesn’t have to mean we are in a bad place. It simply is a way of clearing our way for better things to come.

Each tear is for something different. The tears tell our story and reminds us we are still here and there is life to be lived. The tears of a widow aren’t always shed for the one who has passed. Our tears are so much more than the heartache we suffered. The tears help to wash away the pain and move us along our path.

I’m moving along mine. I really am. I’m lucky. I have found someone who understands. Someone who has lost their love. We share our feelings. We share our pain. We understand where we have been, where we are. But this doesn’t make it all better…it simply helps in the healing. Because it helps to be heard and to be understood. It helps to have someone put into words the feelings you are feeling inside but you can’t express. For the tears just keep coming. And the pain still remains. I may have tears in my eyes and pain in my heart, but my soul is working its way back into the world and it is ready to shine brighter than ever before.

widow

As I lay me down to sleep

Posted on November 23, 2016November 21, 2016 by Widow with wings

For quite some time after Pat died I was unable to sleep. I was tired all the time. This is normal I hear. It’s a combination of grief, sleeping alone for the first time in 20 years, stress and anxiety. But then came a time when I was sleeping well. I felt ready for my days when I woke in the morning. I was rested and ready for what the world was going to bring me. It felt amazing!

But here I am again. A year and a half later and I am not sleeping.

It’s been awhile now without being able to sleep through the night. Trust me I am exhausted and I have no problem wanting to climb in to bed and doze off, but I can’t. My mind is always racing. It races right into the wee hours of the morning, even waking me up throughout the night. I am once again utterly exhausted. I just want to sleep.

As I have talked about before, the pressure of being a solo parent is overwhelming. But it’s not just the parenting part of life that is killing me. It’s everything I now have to do alone. I am running the whole household on my own. I am alone in the cleaning, shopping, prepping, finances, holidays, lawn work, worrying, planning…everything. It is all on me. It is too much. I am mom and dad. I do the “mens” jobs around the house, as well as the “womens” jobs. It’s all me. I can’t leave it and expect my spouse to do it, or clean it or put it away. What I don’t do doesn’t get done. I know that sounds trivial, but the number of things that have to be taken care of all the time is unbelievable. Not to mention exhausting.

tired2 I think the worrying on my own is the hardest right now. I worry about the kids. I worry about the finances. I worry about the house. The stresses build up on me and it’s just me to try to figure them out. I know I can do it on my own, but it makes my brain crazy. The thoughts that run through my head as I try to go sleep are paralyzing. I can’t make them stop or even pause for a moment to get a moment of shut-eye.

People have a hard time understanding this exhaustion. By the end of the day I just want to sit and do nothing. I don’t want to talk on the phone or go out for a drink. I am completely spent from just getting through the day. It’s not getting through the day like it was when Pat first died. That was a matter of survival. Not it’s more the constant grind of life on your own. I don’t mean to seem like I am pushing people away or that I am uninterested in their lives. That is not the case. It’s just that mine is so much right now that it’s all I can take on. I need my time. Selfish as it sounds, it is the only thing that keeps me sane.

I am unsure as to why the insomnia has come back around, but I am anxiously awaiting its exit from my life. I am hoping that if I can get a couple good nights sleep I will have a clearer picture of my stress and figure a way out of this haze because…

I am beat. tired

widow

Solo Parenting

Posted on November 22, 2016November 17, 2016 by Widow with wings

img_20161116_115803822 I am feeling overwhelmed as a solo parent. I am not a single mom. I am a solo mom. There is a difference. I get that there are people who are having similar problems as a single parent, but being a widowed mother of three boys is a little different. There is no weekend dad to help. There is no one to tag out to. I am on my own with the boys. It is overwhelming. It is exhausting. There are days when I just want to throw in the towel. I am not cut out for this. I can’t keep up and I can’t do it anymore. Just when I get one on track and things are going smoothly, one of the others has a fire to be put out. The worst is when all three are having problems in three different areas of their lives. I am one person. I can only do so much. I am trying. I am giving them all of me, but sometimes it seems like there is not enough of me to go around. I am sure this is a common feeling among solo parents.

We are not only trying to raise kids on our own, but we also trying to heal the wounds of losing the other parent. We have to find the balance between discipline and understanding. We have to be the “good guy” and the “bad guy” at the same time. Not an easy task. What’s even better is the judgment from others on how we are doing as a parent. Outside people seem to know better how we should be parenting our kids and what needs to be done to do it “right”. But the truth is that none of us know what it is like for other people. We only see what we see from the outside perspective. No one sees what goes on before closed doors and what is truly happening or not happening. There should be no judgment. We are all doing all that we can to raise our kids.

But some days are tougher than others. This was true before Pat died as well, but now there is no rest. There is no way to escape it. No one to lean on.

Solo parenting is a constant tapping on your forehead. Solo parenting is a day in, day out battle. Solo parenting is the toughest job I have ever had.

But…I wouldn’t trade being their momma for the world. I love my boys. They have saved me from myself. They helped me out of the pit of despair. They are my moon and stars. Those days where I can’t take it anymore, I simply have to remember to breathe deeply and hit that inner reset button. This button isn’t like the Staples EASY button…I wish, but it can do so much when I remember it is there. It reminds me that this is just a moment in time. My boys are soon going to be grown and gone. All I can do is my best. They know I love them. They know I would do anything for them. They can always count on me, even on the worst days.

So even though being a solo parent can feel like the greatest weight in the world pressing down me, I am truly blessed to be their parent. I am blessed to have these amazing boys in my life and I know we will make it through and into a better day.

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