Author: Widow with wings

Shhhhh!  It’s a secret.  Don’t tell anyone.  You promise not to tell?

These are all things we think of as children we have said or have heard others say.  But what damage can be done with an innocent little secret?  Too much damage, from what I have learned.   The days of secrets involving a cute boy, or how mean a teacher is are long gone.  At a younger age, our children are keeping secrets that should never be kept and this is causing harm.  Harm to themselves, harm to their friends, harm to their families.

So how did this happen?  I have been working with middle school girls for a few years now and have learned some eye-opening information.  First of all, they feel stress and pressure from everywhere they go.  And I am talking about 3rd, 4th and 5th graders.  They are overscheduled by their parents who are trying to help them become well-rounded individuals and to keep them out of trouble.  Many girls are in two sports, a musical instrument, tutoring as well as everyday school activities.  They typically are getting home and beginning homework as late as 8 o’clock at night.  There is no down time, time to chill out as a teenager or even to sit and talk about their day with their family.  Conversations are done in the car running between activities and errands.

Then there is the pressure to be the best at all of these activities.  Girls have told me they feel they have to be number one.  They can’t be bad at anything they try and this includes their grades.  Their parents expect the best from them and they can’t let them down.

Now if you remember  middle school, there is the usual pressure of fitting in…trying to figure out where you fit and who you are.  And not to mention the whole pressure of puberty.  Can a girl get a break?

All this pressure, leads to secrets.  Cause who can really be that perfect at everything?  Nobody that’s who.  Girls learn at a young age to hold it inside.  Not to show they are weak..this is opposite of when I was a kid.    They want to be as though they can handle anything and everything.  They don’t want to let anyone down and they want to fit in everywhere.  They will hold everything in, their feelings, their stress, their truth.

I have recently learned of a young girl who attempted suicide.  Why?  Who knows?  She is only 10.  I can’t imagine what could be so horrible in her world to do such a thing, but she did it.  She planned it.  It was intentional.  She knew what she was doing and really wanted to do it.  The pressures are all around.  And then there are the older girls who are cutting themselves, and starving themselves, and making themselves sick just to be something they are not.  I don’t understand and it frustrates the hell out of me.  How can we reach them?  How can we help them?  Theres too much pressure on them and they don’t have an outlet to let it out and then it leads to this horrible pain.  This pain then rolls over into friendships, family relationships and personal lives.  They don’t end up only hurting themselves, it’s all around.

So is this their problem?  Is it their families?  I think it is all of ours.  Our society has to make a change.  This can’t go on with our youth or there won’t be any healthy happy adults to lead our world.

I know I want to do something.  But I am still in search of how and what.  Any ideas?

 Reinvention.  Why should I reinvent myself if this is who I am?  As I look into topics on teenage girls and self-esteem and helping them to live up to their full potential, I read over and over again about self acceptance and loving who you are.  If we want to be strong, independent, emotionally healthy woman, we should accept our gifts, our strengths as well as our weaknesses.  This is what self-esteem, and self-confidence is based on.  If this is what we are told, then why as we reach our mid-life years…our 40’s..why are there books and information about reinventing ourselves as if we weren’t good enough as we are?  Is reinvention the accurate term to be using?  Couldn’t we say we need to make some changes in our outlook? or maybe we need a make over?  That sounds so much less insulting.  As if who we are at our core hasn’t been “right” all these years, that now at 40 we need to be someone else.

I say all this half way joking, because I feel the need to reinvent as I near the big 4-0.  I feel like the first half my life is over, and though it was pretty darn good, I want the second half to be even better.  I talk with my friends about doing a head to toe make over to improve myself.  I think that is a better way of putting it.  I simply want to make some improvements in my life, not change it completely.  When I say head to toe, I really mean just that.  I start with the top of my head..or in other words my hair and work my way down until I have made whatever improvements I feel necessary at this time.  This can mean different things depending on who you are.  For example, I recently cut my short brown bob haircut off into a blonde highlighted pixie with long bangs.  A new look in the mirror, but really a new look at life.  It sounds cheesy to say a haircut can make that big of a difference, but every girl knows how good a haircut makes them feel.  Now think about it when it is a drastic change and you love it.   This leads to a good day!  I feel more positive, sassy and simply more like myself.  That is my real goal…to just do me.  I think all these years I kept trying to be a certain image.  Whether I was conscious of it or not, I always thought I should have long hair.  That’s what pretty girls have, and that is what makes them happy.  Really?  Did I honestly think this?  It is true.  Somewhere in my life, I got it stuck in my thick skull of mine that beauty and sex appeal comes from having long hair.  It has literally been an issue with me for as long as I can remember…just ask my husband, and my hair dresser.  I never like my hair.  I always want it different.  Because if my hair is different, better, longer, whatever, I would be better, different or whatever.  Makes no sense, I know, but that is how I have thought.  I think I have finally let that go.  At least partly.

Being comfortable in ones own skin is what I believe makes you beautiful, sexy and confident.  But how many people can actually say they feel this way.  We usually say things like I hate my thighs, or if my nails were longer, if I didn’t have that pooch in my belly, or something along those lines.  That sounds so ridiculous.  That’s not what would make us happy, it would just help us feel more comfortable in our skin.  But why don’t we?  This is us.  This is who we are.  Why can’t we just be ourselves and be proud?  I don’t really have any answers here, I’m just saying.

So the head to toe make over…my hair was the first to change.  I also went ahead and bought some new make up that would help me devote some more time to myself, which is always nice to do, and have been practicing new ways of applying it.  I do think I tend to get stuck in a rut of doing things, so trying something new ups my spirits as well.  I think that is what I am really trying to do.  Up my spirits.  Perhaps I am starting on the outside and working my way in, but at least I am starting.  I want to spend the rest of my life as happy as possible, and I think I need to be happy with me first.  This is where my life change is going to begin. Where is yours?