Category: living forward

Posted in grief, living forward, widow, widowhood

Ready to Walk the Talk

Posted on by Widow with wings

I recently read a blog about walking between your two lives after the loss of a loved one.  It clicked with me and has left me thinking about where I am walking in my life right now.  The idea of the blog was that as a widow, as she is one too, there comes  a time when you are living with one foot in your former life and one foot in the new world you have made for yourself.  You have to try to balance the two and wait for the right time to fully step into your “new normal”, your new life.

I am finishing up my second year as a widow and I am amazed at how the journey of grief has gone so far. The beginning was all about surviving the pain and shock that came with Pat’s death.  It was about helping the kids adjust and understand.  It was simply forcing myself to get through each day.  By the time the end of the first year rolled around I thought I was in a pretty good place with things.

I was wrong.  The beginning of the second year was rough…on all of us.  It came at us without expecting it which may have made the hit feel even harder.  We were thrown off kilter for a bit but then settled back in.  Most of this second year was about trying to figure out who I am now in this new world of mine. Trying to figure out what to do now.  I accepted the loss of Pat and the fact that life will never be the same again.  I learned that I am no longer the same person and what I want and desire in life is no longer the same.  This has been my main focus for some time now.  I am getting there.  I have learned a lot about me and I have decided what I want and don’t want in life.  The details aren’t completely mapped out just yet, but who’s life is a perfect plan in action?
Now I am finding myself in a new place.  The feelings that go along with it are different too.  Living in the end of my second year and seeing the third year heading towards me leads me to a place of let’s get up and get going.  I think I have done a hell of a lot work for years now.  I have thought about everything.  I have analyzed, critiqued, adjusted and improved myself.   I like who I am.  I like where I am at…basically.  The place I am in now is one of being ready to move forward.  I have talked about the need to continue to move forward and in my mind I have.  I have prepared myself mentally and emotionally for the move.  Now I am ready to do it.  I am ready for action.  I am ready to step into the new life.  It has come that time for me to say goodbye to that in between place we widows live in for a while.  I have dipped my toes into life multiple times and retreated back to my safety, but here I am…ready.

actionI think the fact that I have been writing like crazy shows I am back in the game. My book is coming along nicely and I am ready to begin the process of starting a non-profit.  I am sure I will still be hesitant about things, but I know that now I am ready to get going on with this thing called life.  It is time to start putting my words into action.

Walking between my two lives is sometimes quite a balancing act and it is mostly done in order to make others feel comfortable with things.  People have their own opinions as to how we should live after the loss of a spouse.  Even though they have never experienced it.  It is okay.  I get it.  I didn’t know before I was one too.  I thought I knew what it would be like or what I would or wouldn’t ever do, but you never know until you live it.  I understand that people can be uneasy with me finding a happy life after Pat.  It’s not that they don’t want me to be happy…they do.  But it needs to be on their timeline…when they think I should start being happy and what that should look like.  So I walk that line.  I don’t want to hurt people or make them think I didn’t love Pat or our life together by finding happiness again.  I want to be considerate of others feelings and ease them into the new me.  All that I have now…happiness and my new life honestly has nothing to do with the love I have for Pat.  It is two separate things.  The amazing thing about the heart is that there is room for more than just one love…more than just one life can bring you happiness.

There is no way in hell I would have believed any of that 2 years ago.  But now that I have lived this life, I know that it is.  The heart has an abundance of love to give.  Just because you love another, doesn’t diminish anything you had with the first.  The love goes on.  Just because you find happiness and peace doesn’t mean you are “over”  anything.  I will never be “over” losing Pat.  The pain is just something different now.   The wound has healed over, but the scar will always remain.  My love with him and my life with him will always be with me.  I will always have that.  And I am proud to have that.  Having a second shot at life and finding happiness or love or peace in life doesn’t take that away.  It is different, but it can be amazing.

So as I am entering this next chapter of the grief journey I am ready to take the next steps necessary to ease me out of the waiting room and back out into the world.  I have come to that point where I am wanting to get up and do something.

I hope you all stay with me on this journey.  I can’ wait to see what keeps coming my way. It has been quite an adventure so far.  I never thought I would make it to this point and find my way out of the fog of grief.  I don’t only see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can finally feel the warmth of it shining down on me.

Posted in grief, living forward, widow

The tears of a widow

Posted on by Widow with wings

A year and half later the tears are still falling.  I have cried so much and for so long, I don’t know how there are still tears left to be produced.  I cry for more than just my loss of Pat and the loss of me.  I cry for all that I can not have and can not be.  I cry for all that I have and all that I will never have.  The feelings are much more intense now.  I feel so much.

tearsBut the tears aren’t just running down my cheek for you all to see.  I cry inside, I cry alone.  My days are not like they use to be.  There is so much more to ponder.  So much more to feel.  All the pressure that comes with being a widow can break you.  But we widows, we are strong.  We have been through hell and are fighting our way out.  We know how to hide our pain and struggles. We hold it in and make it our own.   I don’t like to share my inner thoughts and pain with others because I don’t think anyone truly understands.  And I’m glad for them that they don’t, but I am sad for me that they don’t.  It’s hard when you are all alone on the inside.  Feeling like you are the only one that knows your pain and struggle.  There are people who understand parts of what you are feeling and certainly there are many who can empathize, but it’s so not the same.  The pain we have is so real and personal.  We want for someone to get it, but we don’t want to have to explain it to any of them.  We cry inside for someone to understand.  We shed a tear when we can’t find a way to make it better.

But a tear is a sign that we are alive.  It is the way our soul opens up and speaks to the world.  We can’t always say what we are feeling and sometimes we don’t even now what we are trying to say.  Tears give our soul a voice.  And it doesn’t have to mean we are in a bad place.  It simply is a way of clearing our way for better things to come.

Each tear is for something different.  The tears tell our story and reminds us we are still here and there is life to be lived.  The tears of a widow aren’t always shed for the one who has passed.  Our tears are so much more than the heartache we suffered.  The tears help to wash away the pain and move us along our path.

I’m moving along mine.  I really am.  I’m lucky.  I have found someone who understands.  Someone who has lost their love.  We share our feelings.  We share our pain.  We understand where we have been, where we are.  But this doesn’t make it all better…it simply helps in the healing.  Because it helps to be heard and to be understood.  It helps to have someone put into words the feelings you are feeling inside but you can’t express.  For the tears just keep coming.  And the pain still remains.   I may have tears in my eyes and pain in my heart, but my soul is working its way back into the world and it is ready to shine brighter than ever before.

 

Posted in grief, living forward, widow, widowhood

Making Progress

Posted on by Widow with wings

After last week of feeling totally useless and depressed, I have to say I got off my butt and went back to working on me.  I decided I needed to make myself a priority and to do something about it instead of simply feeling sorry for myself.  Not an easy thing to do some days.  I have been writing everyday.  I am coming at it a little different now.  I am looking at it like it is my job.  I am setting time aside each day, just couple of hours, and leaving the house for a coffee shop to focus on my thoughts.  The first day I did this felt a little odd.  I felt guilty about taking the time and not working on things for the house.  I quickly got over that.  I need this.  I need some time for me that doesn’t involve anyone else.  These past few years I have been saying I am figuring me out and taking time for me, but that wasn’t 100% accurate.  I have been doing things, but it always involved others.  Whether it was with the boys, family or friends, I always had someone else involved in finding me.  That doesn’t  make much sense.  “Just being” means just being alone.

light

I have felt alone since Pat died and the loneliness can overtake you, but I am not talking about this alone time.  That is the kind that was thrown at me…or rather something was taken from me.  The kind of alone I need now is of my own free choice.  It is something I want and need to do in order to continue my way out of the darkness.  I have been looking back on my writings over the past couple of years and I am happy to say that when I turn around I am happy with what I see.  It was a horrible time, but what I see when I turn around amazes me.  It is dark.  Very dark and painful.  The past.  And the view in front of me still has the shadows from the past, but the light is there now.  I can see again.  There is a brightness that wasn’t there even a few months ago.  I just have to keep working way through the fog and darkness to step into the light.  I know there will always be a lingering shadow around me that will pop its head out at unexpected times, but I feel like I am making a great deal of progress towards moving forward.

Grief is no joke.  Being a single parent is no joke.  The struggle is real.  Some days I feel as though I am losing my mind.  Some days I want to jump in the car and run away.  Some days I want to throw in the towel because I just can’t do it anymore.  But, somedays are amazing.  Some days I wake up and feel lucky for where I am.  I think that is the biggest lesson learned from losing Pat….What he gave me, what he taught me, what I went through and what I am still going through has been a gift.  I haven’t fully opened that gift just yet to see the true meaning of it all, but the strength I have discovered, and the new perspective on life I have obtained is a great beginning.

Just another day on this journey through widowhood.  Just gotta keep moving.

 

Posted in grief, inspiration, living forward, self confidence, widow, widowhood

Again

Posted on by Widow with wings

So I’ve been sitting here all morning trying to figure out what is going on with me.  My head is a mess running wild with thoughts and worries and confusion.  I am feeling unmotivated, disillusioned, doubtful and basically scared shitless of what lies ahead.  I am not sure how I got to this point.  I’ve been doing so well.  I feel at peace with Pat’s death.  I am into a good routine with being a single parent.  I have accepted the new Denise and I am enjoying being her.  But there is something pulling me down.  I feel lost and scared and I have been driving myself and probably everyone else around me crazy this week trying to deal with it.  I am not sad.  I am not mad.  I am not even confused about what I want in life.  I know what I want.  I know what I need to do to get what I want.  I just have this loud, obnoxious voice in my head that keeps screaming at me and I can not shut her up.  I don’t know how to get rid of her or at least shut her down for a bit.

Fear.  Fear has taken over all I am and it is holding me hostage in this in between life stage I am in.  I want to move forward.  I see a path, I see a plan and an opportunity, but she won’t let me go.  And because of her pushy demanding ways I am stuck doing what I am doing…which is nothing.  Of course I have a million excuses as to why I can’t get going down this path I want to take.  We all do that.  But why?  Why won’t I just do it?  Just take
that step…it’s not even a jump anymore.  I feel like I have taken the big jumps that I needed to move forward, without looking I must add, and I so far I have survived.  I wanted to jump and see where it takes me.  But serious, Is this it?  It is going to take me nowhere because I am so stuck in my head with the voice of fear keeping me right where I am?

So now what?  That is where I am right now.  I love that feeling when I figure out what my problem is.  It is at that point I can begin to make a plan to make a change.  Even though I don’t exactly know what to do, it is a better feeling than not knowing what the hell is wrong with me.

I know what I am doing to myself by making up these crazy things that could wrong.  Of course things could not work out the way I want, but in all reality what has gone the way I have wanted in my life?  I never in a million years thought I would be an unemployed 42 year old widowed mother of three boys trying to start life over again.  But here I am.  And I am enjoying most parts of my life.  I see that it can actually be a better life than I had before if I could just get out of my head and take the first step down the path I want for myself  I know I could really start feel like I am living once again.

I feel like I have been in this spot before, like a hundred times, back at the beginning,  Starting over and making a new game plan.  Sometimes it feels hopeless because it doesn’t seem to work for me, but its the only thing I know to do.  Make a plan, find a way to fix the problem and get going.  I get down like this, as I think everyone does from time to time, but I refuse to be a marinator…one who sits in the pain and confusion complaining and not doing anything about it. me That is not who I am…ever.  I will give myself sometime to feel what I am feeling.  Think through my craziness.  Cry a gallon of tears.  But there is a point where I say enough is enough.  Get off your ass Denise and get going.  Today is that day.  I am giving myself this past week for what it was worth and I am ready to start again…again.  As long as I keep getting up and trying to move forward I think I am heading the right direction.  As for the voice of Fear screaming in my head, I am ready to shut her down.  If I fail at what I am going to try to do, then I fail.  It doesn’t make me a loser.  It simply makes me someone who wants to live.  Living is about learning and loving.  There is nothing more I want to do with my time here then to learn and love.  So bring it on.  I’ve survived worse and I am ready

……again.

Posted in grief, living forward, widow

46

Posted on by Widow with wings

Happy birthday Pat.  Today you should be celebrating your 46th birthday with a delicious dinner, an apple pie and a jack and coke.  Instead I will remember.  I’m not sad today because you are not here, but rather I am feeling lucky that I had you for as long as I did.  I don’t want you birthday to be a time of feeling sorry for us or sorry for you that you didn’t have as long as you deserved…that is just a given.  This needs to be a day to remember the life you did live.  The life you so graciously shared with me.  I am blessed to have been a part of you.  All you gave me and all we shared is what I want to remember today.

img_20150503_130211Maybe I am a little sad.  Loneliness does that to you.  It is always with me in the back of my mind and in my heart, but days like today bring it to the surface and it aches a bit.I will let the sadness sit for a while, but I want to remember you as you were…full of life and you would want me to continue my life in the same way.  You were so worried about me and how I was going to get through all of this.

You were always thinking of me.

Today I think of you.

So another year that you didn’t get to live has come and gone, but I took you with me every step of the way.  You are always by my side and I hold on to that at times like these when your presence is missed so desperately.

 

 

Posted in grief, inspiration, living forward, widow, widowhood

The NEW Denise

Posted on by Widow with wings

eb5da906562f43395f04c8665f6f694cFinding myself again at the age of 42 is way more difficult than it was in my teenage years.  And I thought that was pretty tough.  I am so lost in who I am and it is incredibly confusing to me because of course I know who I am, right? You’d think so.   Losing Pat didn’t just take away my role of being a wife.  I didn’t just lose my best friend, and partner in life.  I lost me.  Some times I don’t even recognize my own reflection anymore.  I have changed so quickly and so dramatically that I haven’t been able to keep up with it all.    I’ve never felt so lonely as I do these days and that can happen even when I am sitting with a group of people.  It’s not the loneliness of not having anyone around, obviously, but a loneliness in the soul.  It’s like walking around aimlessly without any purpose or reason for doing so.  My children keep me busy, they are my focus and my life.  But they have lives too.  When they go, what do I have?  I have me.  But I don’t know who that is anymore.  I don’t know what to do or where to go.  I think it’s the fear that I have now…the hesitation towards life that leaves me in the paralyzing confusion.  I have a bit of fear of losing now….losing anything.  Losing respect, losing focus, losing hope, literally anything.  I don’t want to lose so I don’t take the risk.  Can’t lose if you don’t play.

And people are gone now.  I get that, but I just recently stopped and looked up and noticed they are gone.  For the most part I am okay with this.  I’m pretty comfortable in the little bubble of life that we have created for ourselves, but I have to admit I was a little surprised by it.  I guess because I’ve been in the dark for so long I didn’t notice it happening.

I’m still a work in progress, as we all are, and I know I will figure it out.  It’s just tougher than it looks.  What we widows are dealing with is so much more than I ever imagined.  It’s more the mourning the loss of our loved one…oh so much more.  But I have to believe that even better days are ahead for all of us.  Why else would we still be here?  I just want to find a way to let myself open the door again and step back out there.  I mean completely out there.  There are areas in my life where I am having great success and happiness…I’m just hoping to make that the norm in my life.

So if I don’t seem like me anymore…it’s probably because we haven’t re-met yet.  I’m still meeting the new Denise myself.  Hopefully in the near future we will all get a chance to meet her again.

IMG_20160804_151230036

 

 

Posted in grief, living forward, widow, widowhood

The Darkest Days

Posted on by Widow with wings

Last week was a tough one.  For no reason whatsoever, I fell straight into the dark days of widowhood.  This happens from time to time, but I am usually able to get up and get out.  Not last week.  I couldn’t find my way through the darkness.  There was no light anywhere and I felt lost and alone like I hadn’t felt since he died.  I lost all motivation to do anything and found myself just sitting and staring for long
periods of time.  When I would start to see a flicker of light shining in the distance,  something would come along and blow it out and I would  be back in the darkness.  I tried everything I had done for the past 16 months to cope with the pain but I couldn’t beat this one.  I had to just sit in it and suffer.

 When he died, and the first months following, I remember I felt like my heart had broken…like literally broke.  I could physically feel the pain in my heart like it had been ripped out, beaten up and shoved back inside me.  It was a real pain.  It was the pain of missing him.  I missed him so much.  I still do, don’t get me wrong.  That’s just a given in my life from here on out.  It’s just different now.

The pain I felt last week was a physical pain in my stomach.  It was like a pit of emptiness.  Not stomach pains of anxiety or stress or hunger, but something far more.  Just straight up emptiness.  It took me some time to connect with it but came to the conclusion that now I am at a place where I don’t just miss him, but I need him.  I need him here to tell me I’m doing okay. I need him here to tell me  I’m making the right decisions. dark I need to hear him say  I’m going to be okay.  He was my number one fan.  I need that.  I need to feel his undying support and unconditional love.  He would give it to me straight and guide me in the direction I need to be.  He was my partner through it all.  I miss that.  I need that.

I couldn’t get out of this darkness last week.  I was worried I never would.  I still live in the shadows this week, but it is better…a bit.  I’ve had to make some decisions this past week on how I want my life to go and how I am going to deal with people and events that occur in my life.  It has actually helped me feel somewhat stronger making these decisions on how I am going to allow others to treat me and how I am going to react to them.

The week also brought on all the crazy thoughts that us widows have.  Irrational, unjustified, nutty thoughts.  Nothing really makes sense anymore and when my  brain gets lost in the darkness some crazy shit can come out.  I start over analyzing everyone and everything…including me.   That’s where I was really needing him.  I needed that support that was just there with him.  The safety net of love.  I sure hope those crazy thoughts go away with time.  I want to be able to look at the world in a sane way that is full of peace and hope and happiness.  I’m going to stick with the thought that time will take that away.

Posted in accepting, grief, inspiration, living forward, widow

To be or to not just be?

Posted on by Widow with wings

This past week a question was proposed to me that has had my mind spinning ever since.  I have thought and thought about the answer and how it pertains to my life and I am unhappy to say I am struggling with this one.  The question was how does livingheart for the moment and finding my path correlate?  How can you live in the moment and still seek a path and follow a plan?  Since I can’t think this one through, please bear with me as I try to write my way through.  Sometimes this works better for me.

Ever since Pat died…actually ever since Pat got sick, I have had a new perspective on life.  My focus and understanding of the world has changed.  I understand we only have a limited amount of time on this earth and I want to do with that time all that I can do.  I don’t want to just sit and wait for time to pass me by with some days, or in ten years, or when I retire.  I want to live and feel and be…NOW.  I want to enjoy every second and do what I want to do during the time I have.  I don’t know what tomorrow brings, or if it will even come.  I am trying to follow my heart and make decisions on what feels right for me and my boys.  Some of the decisions may seem a bit crazy, but I don’t want to be stuck in five, or ten years from now thinking I wish I would have.  So I am trying to live for the moment and just be.

BUT…I am also searching for a new path; a new direction; a new purpose in life.  Can I have both?  I think I can.  Yes, I want to be in the moment and live it how I want to live it, but I am human and I want more.  I want to feel a purpose.  I want to know that I have meaning.  This could be to someone, or something.  I want to share my life and build it with hopes and dreams for the future, but that doesn’t mean I have to wait to try to live those hopes and dreams.  I think my idea of living in the moment with a path for the future means that I want to do all that I want to do now….not someday.  If I want to write a book, then I want to do it now, not when the kids are older.  If I want to travel and see the world, then  I want to do it now,not when I have more money or I am more settled…that may never happen.  There is never enough.   If I want to spend time with someone, I want to do it now….not in ten years.  I don’t want my life to be a destination, an end game or the plan for the future.  I want it to be my life that I am living.  Not I am living to have someday.

I get I can’t do it all or have it all today, right this moment.  But I can do with my time all that I want to do.  I don’t need to spend my time wasting away on wishes or some days.  I know there is no guarantee for tomorrow, but I do have dreams and I see a path before me.  I just want to live along the path and not just ride the escalator of life until I get to the point where it “makes sense” to start living the life I want to live.  I think I can do both of living in the moment while setting out on a new path.  The point is I want to live and I think that is what is most important here.  Whether or not I decide to wait ten years before I do that, or start right this minute is up to me.  I have to decide what this means and it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks of that decision.  I think the beginning of  my journey on this so-called new path of mine was the choice to continue to live forward.  After that I can either decide to truly live or continue to wait in the waiting room for life to come my way.  I don’t know about you, but I want to get out there and do it now.  I could wait for something better, or a better time, or a better situation to make others happy, but perhaps all that really is telling me is that isn’t what is best for me.  Because what is best for me is what makes me happy, what makes me a better mom to my boys and what will continue to lead me down the path of my life.  I don’t want to find happiness….I want to live in it.  There it is.  That makes sense to me.

So I guess that’s my answer.