When I first started this blog, it was all about my upcoming birthday—specifically, hitting the big “4-0.” Back then, I thought that milestone would be monumental. It seemed like a significant moment that would bring me new experiences and opportunities. I imagined entering my 40s would bring me a time of growth and exploration and a chapter of self-discovery. I thought it would be a time of personal evolution. It was supposed to be filled with dreams that had long been postponed. Little did I know that turning 40 would be the least of my worries. My life was about to be completely flipped upside down by cancer and death. These challenges would test my resilience and strength. I had no idea what storms were brewing on the horizon. I was unaware that the next few years would bring trials that would redefine my perspective and transform my reality in ways I could never have expected.
The Weight of Widowhood
The blog then became a space for me to talk about the woes of cancer, and all that came with it. And unfortunately, it soon became a documentation of life as a widow. I wrote about the first few years of life without Pat and all that I was struggling with. I stopped writing on December 30, 2021 because I was done with everything that had to do with being a widow. I wanted to move on from this part of my life and I just wanted to feel normal again. I wanted to let the label of widow just be something that was a part of me. It was something that happened to me. It would not define me. I stopped writing and disappeared.
Fast forward three years later, and here I am, 50 years old now. It’s hard to believe how quickly time has flown. But now, as I reflect on my journey, I feel it’s time to start anew. I have learned that the label of widow isn’t just a label, it is a designation that has changed me completely. I lost the old me when Pat died and yet I have been trying my hardest to keep living life as the old me. You will hear a lot about how this just isn’t working. I am tired of trying to live a life that isn’t mine anymore. I want to reclaim my voice and get my life back on track, whatever track that may be.
Surviving not Thriving
The world around me has changed dramatically since my last post in 2021. My life has changed too, filled with new experiences, challenges, and lessons learned. I have found that time moves slowly in the moment. Each day drags along. Yet looking back, it feels like a blink in time. It is as if the years slipped through my fingers without warning. The world has kept on spinning. Time has kept on flying. And I have simply been trying to get by. The journey of widowhood has felt like a relentless roller coaster ride filled with emotional ups and downs that often catch me off guard. It has been unpredictable; nothing unfolded as I had imagined it would. Nothing is as I thought it would be. This has led me to feel lost and confused. I am left wondering where I fit in this world and who I even am anymore.
The Reality of Single Motherhood
I had no idea how to be a single mother raising three boys alone. I had no idea how I would make ends meet financially. But I did what I had to do each and every day to take care of my family. My boys are now young men, aged 21, 19, and 18, each finding their place in the world. Two are in college, pursuing their dreams. The youngest is a senior in high school preparing to take those first steps into adulthood. Somehow I have managed to support us and have given us a comfortable life, even if it’s not the life I once envisioned. I have learned how to juggle work and finances. I have navigated the complexities of college applications and drivers’ training. I’ve tackled it all. I’ve survived the whirlwind of adolescence, dating, heartbreaks, and graduations—all while keeping all my focus on my boys.
The Journey of Grief
But as I sit here, nearly a decade after Pat’s passing, I realize my journey through grief has been tumultuous. The emotions crash over me like waves at the beach, unpredictable and overwhelming. Just when I think I’m in a good place, I find myself curled up. I cry for all I’ve lost and for where I thought my life would be. For the past ten years, I’ve been simply surviving. I do whatever it takes to make sure my children are happy, healthy, and safe. I have not been thriving. In reality, I haven’t even been living.
The Search for Identity
Here’s an even bigger problem…Almost every day I wake up feeling miserable with my life. I find myself struggling with questions of identity, purpose, and direction. Who am I now? What do I truly want from life? While I know my core values and beliefs, the goals and dreams that once fueled me are distant and unclear. I feel trapped in survival mode, longing to step into a fuller existence. It’s an identity crisis I do not know how to navigate.
The Challenge of Reinvention
This is a different kind of identity crisis than anything I have experienced before. It is rooted in trying to pretend to be the person I was before Pat’s illness and death. All awhile, I am trying to figure out who I am now. This relentless effort has drained me, leaving me bitter and angry at times, mourning the dreams I once had. I’ve struggled to connect with people, attempting to fit into a version of myself that no longer exists. Slowly, I’ve started to distance myself from those who can’t see the new me—a me I’m still trying to define, and found myself alone to find my way through this journey. You see my perspective has shifted. I see the world through a different lens. Many things that once seemed important now feel trivial. This new viewpoint has led to feelings of isolation. I have had to set clear boundaries, prioritizing my energy and time, but the loneliness persists. I do recognize that I’ve isolated myself. I am left struggling alone to navigate social situations. I am trying to find where I truly belong.
A New Path Forward
So here I am, I feel a bit lost and I am unsure of who I am and where I am going. I am more than ready to step out of this exhausting period of my life and start on a new path. I am ready to explore the new me and pursue my new dreams. I want to share my journey with you with an open heart. I invite you to join me as I venture into this unknown. I am hoping to discover not just who I am but who I can become in the process. I will learn from past experiences and use those lessons to fuel my growth. Let’s explore what we can all do to stop simply surviving and start living a life that is thriving.
for the moment and finding my path correlate? How can you live in the moment and still seek a path and follow a plan? Since I can’t think this one through, please bear with me as I try to write my way through. Sometimes this works better for me.
art to heart with Pat, that’s where I go. Last year I would go every day. I couldn’t handle not being with him. We had never spent more than three days apart from one another until he had gotten sick and I wasn’t going to let that happen. As time went by I started going less and less. I could feel him with me everywhere I went and so I don’t need to go to that place in order to be with him.
mething is going to trigger one of them. This year, my boys showed me that they are just like their father…true warriors. They are strong, and proud and want to live. Yes they are sad. Yes they miss their daddy desperately. But this isn’t the end of their happiness. They are living forward as well.
life. I am growing into that new life. I am forging new paths and discovering new things and laying out a plan of what I want out of life now.
Widow with Wings 