self-discovery – Widow with Wings

Finding Myself After Loss: A Journey of Self-Discovery

Posted on September 24, 2024 by Widow with wings

When I first started this blog, it was all about my upcoming birthday—specifically, hitting the big “4-0.” Back then, I thought that milestone would be monumental. It seemed like a significant moment that would bring me new experiences and opportunities. I imagined entering my 40s would bring me a time of growth and exploration and a chapter of self-discovery. I thought it would be a time of personal evolution. It was supposed to be filled with dreams that had long been postponed. Little did I know that turning 40 would be the least of my worries. My life was about to be completely flipped upside down by cancer and death. These challenges would test my resilience and strength. I had no idea what storms were brewing on the horizon. I was unaware that the next few years would bring trials that would redefine my perspective and transform my reality in ways I could never have expected.

The Weight of Widowhood

The blog then became a space for me to talk about the woes of cancer, and all that came with it. And unfortunately, it soon became a documentation of life as a widow. I wrote about the first few years of life without Pat and all that I was struggling with. I stopped writing on December 30, 2021 because I was done with everything that had to do with being a widow. I wanted to move on from this part of my life and I just wanted to feel normal again. I wanted to let the label of widow just be something that was a part of me. It was something that happened to me. It would not define me. I stopped writing and disappeared.

Fast forward three years later, and here I am, 50 years old now. It’s hard to believe how quickly time has flown. But now, as I reflect on my journey, I feel it’s time to start anew. I have learned that the label of widow isn’t just a label, it is a designation that has changed me completely. I lost the old me when Pat died and yet I have been trying my hardest to keep living life as the old me. You will hear a lot about how this just isn’t working. I am tired of trying to live a life that isn’t mine anymore. I want to reclaim my voice and get my life back on track, whatever track that may be.

Surviving not Thriving

The world around me has changed dramatically since my last post in 2021. My life has changed too, filled with new experiences, challenges, and lessons learned. I have found that time moves slowly in the moment. Each day drags along. Yet looking back, it feels like a blink in time. It is as if the years slipped through my fingers without warning. The world has kept on spinning. Time has kept on flying. And I have simply been trying to get by. The journey of widowhood has felt like a relentless roller coaster ride filled with emotional ups and downs that often catch me off guard. It has been unpredictable; nothing unfolded as I had imagined it would. Nothing is as I thought it would be. This has led me to feel lost and confused. I am left wondering where I fit in this world and who I even am anymore.

The Reality of Single Motherhood

I had no idea how to be a single mother raising three boys alone. I had no idea how I would make ends meet financially. But I did what I had to do each and every day to take care of my family. My boys are now young men, aged 21, 19, and 18, each finding their place in the world. Two are in college, pursuing their dreams. The youngest is a senior in high school preparing to take those first steps into adulthood. Somehow I have managed to support us and have given us a comfortable life, even if it’s not the life I once envisioned. I have learned how to juggle work and finances. I have navigated the complexities of college applications and drivers’ training. I’ve tackled it all. I’ve survived the whirlwind of adolescence, dating, heartbreaks, and graduations—all while keeping all my focus on my boys.

The Journey of Grief

But as I sit here, nearly a decade after Pat’s passing, I realize my journey through grief has been tumultuous. The emotions crash over me like waves at the beach, unpredictable and overwhelming. Just when I think I’m in a good place, I find myself curled up. I cry for all I’ve lost and for where I thought my life would be. For the past ten years, I’ve been simply surviving. I do whatever it takes to make sure my children are happy, healthy, and safe. I have not been thriving. In reality, I haven’t even been living.

The Search for Identity

Here’s an even bigger problem…Almost every day I wake up feeling miserable with my life. I find myself struggling with questions of identity, purpose, and direction. Who am I now? What do I truly want from life? While I know my core values and beliefs, the goals and dreams that once fueled me are distant and unclear. I feel trapped in survival mode, longing to step into a fuller existence. It’s an identity crisis I do not know how to navigate.

The Challenge of Reinvention

This is a different kind of identity crisis than anything I have experienced before. It is rooted in trying to pretend to be the person I was before Pat’s illness and death. All awhile, I am trying to figure out who I am now. This relentless effort has drained me, leaving me bitter and angry at times, mourning the dreams I once had. I’ve struggled to connect with people, attempting to fit into a version of myself that no longer exists. Slowly, I’ve started to distance myself from those who can’t see the new me—a me I’m still trying to define, and found myself alone to find my way through this journey. You see my perspective has shifted. I see the world through a different lens. Many things that once seemed important now feel trivial. This new viewpoint has led to feelings of isolation. I have had to set clear boundaries, prioritizing my energy and time, but the loneliness persists. I do recognize that I’ve isolated myself. I am left struggling alone to navigate social situations. I am trying to find where I truly belong.

A New Path Forward

So here I am, I feel a bit lost and I am unsure of who I am and where I am going. I am more than ready to step out of this exhausting period of my life and start on a new path. I am ready to explore the new me and pursue my new dreams. I want to share my journey with you with an open heart. I invite you to join me as I venture into this unknown. I am hoping to discover not just who I am but who I can become in the process. I will learn from past experiences and use those lessons to fuel my growth. Let’s explore what we can all do to stop simply surviving and start living a life that is thriving.

accepting, grief, inspiration, living forward, widow

To be or to not just be?

Posted on July 6, 2016July 6, 2016 by Widow with wings

This past week a question was proposed to me that has had my mind spinning ever since. I have thought and thought about the answer and how it pertains to my life and I am unhappy to say I am struggling with this one. The question was how does living heart for the moment and finding my path correlate? How can you live in the moment and still seek a path and follow a plan? Since I can’t think this one through, please bear with me as I try to write my way through. Sometimes this works better for me.

Ever since Pat died…actually ever since Pat got sick, I have had a new perspective on life. My focus and understanding of the world has changed. I understand we only have a limited amount of time on this earth and I want to do with that time all that I can do. I don’t want to just sit and wait for time to pass me by with some days, or in ten years, or when I retire. I want to live and feel and be…NOW. I want to enjoy every second and do what I want to do during the time I have. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, or if it will even come. I am trying to follow my heart and make decisions on what feels right for me and my boys. Some of the decisions may seem a bit crazy, but I don’t want to be stuck in five, or ten years from now thinking I wish I would have. So I am trying to live for the moment and just be.

BUT…I am also searching for a new path; a new direction; a new purpose in life. Can I have both? I think I can. Yes, I want to be in the moment and live it how I want to live it, but I am human and I want more. I want to feel a purpose. I want to know that I have meaning. This could be to someone, or something. I want to share my life and build it with hopes and dreams for the future, but that doesn’t mean I have to wait to try to live those hopes and dreams. I think my idea of living in the moment with a path for the future means that I want to do all that I want to do now….not someday. If I want to write a book, then I want to do it now, not when the kids are older. If I want to travel and see the world, then I want to do it now,not when I have more money or I am more settled…that may never happen. There is never enough. If I want to spend time with someone, I want to do it now….not in ten years. I don’t want my life to be a destination, an end game or the plan for the future. I want it to be my life that I am living. Not I am living to have someday.

I get I can’t do it all or have it all today, right this moment. But I can do with my time all that I want to do. I don’t need to spend my time wasting away on wishes or some days. I know there is no guarantee for tomorrow, but I do have dreams and I see a path before me. I just want to live along the path and not just ride the escalator of life until I get to the point where it “makes sense” to start living the life I want to live. I think I can do both of living in the moment while setting out on a new path. The point is I want to live and I think that is what is most important here. Whether or not I decide to wait ten years before I do that, or start right this minute is up to me. I have to decide what this means and it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks of that decision. I think the beginning of my journey on this so-called new path of mine was the choice to continue to live forward. After that I can either decide to truly live or continue to wait in the waiting room for life to come my way. I don’t know about you, but I want to get out there and do it now. I could wait for something better, or a better time, or a better situation to make others happy, but perhaps all that really is telling me is that isn’t what is best for me. Because what is best for me is what makes me happy, what makes me a better mom to my boys and what will continue to lead me down the path of my life. I don’t want to find happiness….I want to live in it. There it is. That makes sense to me.

So I guess that’s my answer.

grief, inspiration, motivation, widow

The blank pages in between

Posted on June 15, 2016 by Widow with wings

Here I am at another new beginning. After all I’ve been through in the past couple of years, my perspective on life has changed. I truly understand the meaning that tomorrow is not guaranteed. This journey I have been on has brought me so many unanswered questions. I have asked why? and how could this be happening? more times than I would like to admit. I have no answers for these questions. I don’t know why Pat had to die, or why the house had to be destroyed and rebuilt, or why I am now a widowed single mother of three young boys. I don’t think I did anything to deserve these challenges, but I think there is a reason for all of it. I don’t believe in coincidences, so there must be lessons to be learned or opportunities to embrace in order to live my life.

My life now…there is one thing I know for sure about this topic…I don’t want any regrets. I don’t want to spend my days doing things that do not fulfill me or lead me to happiness and peace. I have spent my past 42 years saying “someday”. Someday I want to write a book; someday I want to be a part of something bigger than me; someday I want to travel the world, go to Paris; someday I will find peace and be. Someday is not something I am promised. I have to go out and make that someday today. That is where I find myself at this moment.

I have been teaching for the past 5 years. I love my girls more than anything. I adore my co-workers and completely believe in the mission of the school I have been working, but I am not passionate about teaching. It has never been my love in life. It was a means to the end I really wanted. I have continued teaching because it supports my family and it’s where my experience lies and basically, it is who I am. But it’s not anymore.

I have jumped. I took the leap and quit the job. I am closing that chapter of my life and starting a new one. I am unsure about what that chapter is going to be about, but I am ready to start writing it. I am tired of thinking of someday. I want that someday to be today. If I fail, I fail. But there will be no regrets. Don’t get me wrong…I am scared shitless with this, but it’s something I have to do. This past year without Pat has been such a time of growth and reflection for me. I have continuously reevaluated who I am and what I want. The answer is pretty simple. I am a completely different person than I once was, that is for sure. I see things differently, I love differently and what I want is different. I don’t care about the little things, and honestly some of the medium size things. I am much more simple with the things that I want…peace, love and happiness. That is what I am searching for.

I recently took a college course on the study of the Bible. During this course we studied the Old Testament and the New Testament. It brought me a sense of peace and understanding to many things. What I found most interesting about the Bible was the two blank pages that fall directly between the Old and New Testament. There is nothing there, but so much took place during the time in between. This is how I see my place in the world right now. My old life has ended…the chapter has ended, the lessons learned, the love felt, the gifts given. But the next chapter is unknown and unwritten. I am living on those two blank pages. I am ready to find out what is next for me, but I am highly aware that these blank pages may last for some time and a lot of work will need to be done on those pages. But this is where I am. In between the old and the new. I am not the poor widow anymore who needs to be coddled and taken care of, but I am not yet the butterfly bursting out of the cocoon into new life. I am somewhere in the middle of the two. And I am okay with that. At least that’s what I need to keep telling myself in order to keep my focus.

I want to start anew. Everything is new in the past year…almost every aspect of my life has changed. Now I am ready to start anew with my career. I don’t want to settle and I don’t want to do something just to do it. I want to find my path in life and stick on it. What I am finding about this process is that there may not be something I want out there. I may have to make my own way. And again, I am okay with that….scared, but okay. Deep down inside I know I will figure it out and find my way. I don’t expect anything over night and I don’t think it’s going to be easy. But the one thing I know is that it is going to be on my terms. If I screw this up, I did it. I can’t blame someone else. And if I fail along the way, that’s okay too. At least I took the jump, took the chance and gave it my best try. No regrets and no looking back.

Embrace the moments you are given. Do with them what you can. Appreciate what you have. Love those around you. Don’t forget to say I love you, I’m sorry and I forgive you. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Make today what it is…a new beginning; another chance to get it right. Don’t worry about what may or may not come tomorrow. Focus on what matters today and do what you love. Live from your heart and be open to whatever comes your way. With this focus and this determination, I know I will find my way.

inspiration, motivation, self confidence

The Road Ahead

Posted on October 21, 2014October 21, 2014 by Widow with wings

The road of life has so many twists and turns that there are days it feels more like a roller coaster than a road that you are on. Each of us have our own path we must follow in life. It is a path we create from our choices and decisions, or sometimes a lack of choices or decision which draws us in a new direction. I find myself looking at the path I have traveled before today which led me here, right here, right now. I see some misguided turns I have made, but mostly I can say I am proud of the roads I have taken in life. Unfortunately I have hit a few roadblocks which have slowed me down, actually they have brought me to a sudden halt in my life.

People are quick to judge and question you about the way you lead your life, but what right do they have to do that? Basically it is because they are viewing YOUR life from THEIR eyes. They can only see through the view they have chosen to take on their path and if it doesn’t match your view, they question it. Maybe out of disapproval, maybe out of envy. But either way, its not for them to say. Your path is yours and that is how it should be.

The important thing is to remember you are in the drivers seat of your life. Nobody else. You may have different passengers along the way and perhaps you may make the mistake and let someone else drive for a short period of time, but in the end, you are charting your course and making your own decisions. You have the power within you to be happy, to be successful, to be loving and to be giving. You need to decide what you want from life, and head that way. There is no one stopping you but you. Or in my case…me. Time to start back up and head back onto the road. There is so much more for me to see…

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You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. – unknown

Posted on October 19, 2014 by Widow with wings

This is my daily mantra these days. People ask how am I doing what I am doing; I don’t think I could do it; how am I getting through all this. And this is my answer, over and over, You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. What else is there to do? One foot in front of the other and you just keeping going. You do what you have to do and you don’t think twice about it. We are all strong. There is an inner strength in each and every one of us. Sometimes it doesn’t show up until we need it most. The important thing to remember is that it does show up. We as humans are not wired to give up. We want to live, we want to thrive, we want to continue on. What gets in our way is our own thinking. Our brain starts to spin and we spiral out of control in our thinking. This turns and turns until negativity and weakness appears. It overrides our natural instinct to keep going; to be strong. No matter what you are going through, no matter how horrible your situation may be at this time, you are strong and powerful in your own world. You can make it through and persevere. It is up to you to ruse above the negative thoughts and allow your natural instinct of strength to rise out of you and let you shine.

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Letting Go…

Posted on February 20, 2014 by Widow with wings

Letting go is difficult for all of us. We are so comfortable in what we have and what we do everyday. Change sucks. Who wants to make a change and take a risk when you have absolutely no idea where it is going to lead you. You know where your going tomorrow, if you don’t make any change. Of course you can’t map out every second of your day…things can change on a dime. But that is out of your control. That is the unexpected crap of life. I am talking about choosing to make a change when you are comfortable in your day-to-day because you know you should. There comes a time when we know our story has come to an end. This chapter, is better, is closing and a new one needs to begin. It could be as simple as a haircut…as in my case recently, or leaving your job, your hometown, your marriage. You know that feeling and only you know it. People may try to talk you out of it and say your crazy for making this drastic scary change, but that is their fear. That is them being afraid of the unknown. You know what you need to do, even though you may not know where it is going to take you. I believe in being somewhere for a reason and having people in your life for reason…and sometimes the reason is to take you somewhere you have never been. Sometimes it is to take the next step and enter into the new chapter of your life. Don’t be stuck in where you know you no longer belong simply because you are afraid or it is the safe thing to do. Stick to your gut, know your heart and live your life. Fly on your own spirit and soar to great heights. We all have so much to give and do…Don’t let anything hold you back.

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The Long Road Ahead of Us

Posted on February 15, 2014February 15, 2014 by Widow with wings

This new life journey began quickly. He was going to begin treatment as soon as possible since the cancer was aggressive. One of my new roles was being a “secretary”. I was responsible for scheduling all doctors appointments, recording medicines, temperatures and and complaints. I had to organize the kids as to who was taking care of them when and where and make the drop offs as smooth as possible. Sometimes the kids were shuffled between two or three different places in a day. They didn’t really seem to mind, since they were being spoiled rotten. Everyone was taking them to fun places and letting them have a good time

I wasn’t so nervous about this role because I felt I had some control over it. I could keep my focus on being organized and detailed in my note taking. I became OCD about documenting everything he ate, drank and medicines he took. I took his temperature a lot and would watch him sleep…not sure he knows this. While he slept, I would read up on his illness and the treatments he was going to be having. Taking in this knowledge helped me feel like I was a part of the solution. I wanted to help and fix this for Pat, but I couldn’t. That pissed me off. I wanted to take away his pain. Since I obviously couldn’t do this, I just tried to take care of everything so he didn’t have to worry about anything else. As time went on, my role as secretary changed from being a crazy note taker, to being the one to call the doctors and keep track of all the paperwork.

On top of all of this, the new school year was beginning and I was heading back to work. I had to organize my classroom, redecorate, write lesson plans and attend all the back to school meetings. I didn’t know how I was going to do two full time jobs, but I didn’t really have a choice. I would leave the hospital for a few hours and work in my room, then head back to sit with him until bedtime. While at the hospital, I would write lesson plans and map out the first few weeks of school. I felt like my brain could never shut down. I was either focused on him or on work…not to mention the three boys of my own. They were heading back to school as well. I had back to school shopping to do for them and I wanted to spend some time with them. This wasn’t really going to be in the cards for a little longer.

When I had a chance I would take each one out for a quick shopping trip and then back to the hospital. Everything was about quickness and not being away too long. I didn’t want to be away from Pat because in my head I was the only one who could take care of him. The love I felt for him powered me to continue pushing forward. If I felt like I couldn’t do everything all I had to do was thinking about letting him down, and I would be right back to it. I want to take care of everyone, I want to help. That’s who I am…That’s what I do. I don’t think I fully comprehended the challenge that was in front of me.

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Part II

Posted on February 15, 2014February 15, 2014 by Widow with wings

And then…

Lymphoma of the bone marrow. This was what the doctor was telling us, but all I felt was a blow to the stomach and my lungs deflate. It was the most surreal moment. It was as though I was outside of my body watching the conversation unfold. I knew the doctor was speaking to us, and I knew I needed to hear everything he had to say, but I was somewhere else. I had to shake my head to return to the conversation and focus on his actual words. He gave us the prognosis and a brief description of a plan of action that really made no sense at the time. When he left the room, I had taken on a new role…caregiver.

I ran to my boys and hugged them all and then made all the necessary phone calls, where I repeatedly broke down sobbing. I took the boys home and began making plans for the next few days. I would hold it together in front of the boys, but when I stepped away I would break. At one point, talking to my sister explaining what was happening, I fell to the ground in front of my house, hyperventilating, asking why, why, why. This couldn’t be happening to us. I knew I was going to have to be stronger than I had ever been before in my life. I just didn’t know if I was capable of this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m one tough chick, but this was some serious shit and I had three boys and now a sick husband to take care of. I know it wasn’t the truth in the matter, but it was my reality…this was all on me. There was no room for me to make any mistakes. I had to be everything to everybody and I had to do it right…right now.

This was going to be a long tough road and we had no map to follow. We were heading out on an unknown path and I felt all alone, even though we were in this together.

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Baby Steps

Posted on February 12, 2014February 12, 2014 by Widow with wings

Today is day two. The day I talk about my horrible experience on September 11, 2006. At the time I was 7 months pregnant with my third child. I already had two boys at home, Seamus who was 3 and Quinn who was 19 months. I was a stay at home mom at the time and not the happiest to be pregnant yet again. I started to feel sick and figured I had the flu. I was throwing up and had a temperature that was ranging from 101 – 102.5. I was sleeping ALL the time. I thought that was what I needed in order to get over this illness. My husband figured I was sick and I was tired from being pregnant, so he did his best to handle things. After a while, he did get frustrated because I wasn’t taking care of the boys during the day and letting them play with my jewelry and make quite a mess in the house. Finally after a few days, my husband told me I had to contact the doctor. When I called it was a Sunday afternoon, so obviously they were not open. I left a message and went back to bed. That night, I was sweating a lot and woke up several times soaking wet. When I awoke on Monday I guess I thought I was better. The doctor called me back and I said I felt good. What did I know? My sister came over and took the boys from me so I could sleep some more. I don’t remember much more of that day…Monday, September 11.
My husband filled me in on the rest of the events that took place. When he got home from work, I was acting crazy. For example, I didn’t know how to open a jar of peanut butter, and I tried to use my husbands sock as a headband…Things like that. My husband suggested I go to the hospital because he felt something was wrong. I wouldn’t do that. He decided to call 911, but when they arrived I was not a happy camper. I was not going to go easily. I remember bits of pieces of these moments, but more like memories of a movie. I was swearing and yelling and screaming, and not being the sweet little thing I usually am 🙂 I was fighting with the paramedics and being a whole lot of nutty. When they got me to the hospital I had a spinaltap and it was determined that I had bacterial meningitis. Remember I was 7 months pregnant. This wasn’t an illness that pregnant woman typically had. I was transported to another hospital where I was placed into a medically induced coma. That is where I remained for 1 week.
When I awoke, I was obviously confused and completely unaware of what had happened to me. As I was filled in on the events over the past week I was totally blown away. There was a high chance of me dying. They had a crash cart ready for me and the baby. They thought that if I did survive, I wasn’t going to be the same. And if the baby survived, they would have their own issues. For example poor muscle development, and skin coloring issues. Fortunately, I woke up and was not brain dead. I did have some issues. I had to go to physical therapy to walk, talk do math and take care of myself again. I had to regain some memory and fine motor skills. What a week.
When the baby arrived, I had a perfect, beautiful baby boy with no issues! Not to mention, my eye sight had improved. It was a struggle to come back from this event and I lost some memories and some short term memory issues. But overall, I am fine, and so is Aidan, my sweet 7 year old.
This event made me view life and death differently. I realized I wasn’t immortal and how quickly everything can be taken from me. In a way I think I should have learned more than I did from this close encounter with death, but I can definitely say I am thankful to be alive and for all that I have.