It’s been a while since I have written but I do have a good reason. I have been working hard on something that has sat in front of me as an obstacle, an excuse and a fear for many, many years. You see, I graduated with my Masters in Counseling back in 2006. Since then my life has taken many twists and turns and lead me down many different paths. I never took my national boards for counseling after I graduated. I had just had my third baby and was recovering from bacterial meningitis…life was taking over. Time just kept going by and I continued to put it off. It soon became this giant monster standing in front of me and I formed an irrational fear of it. I didn’t want to take it. I was convinced there was no way in the world I could pass this test, especially after all this time.
When Pat first got sick and we were spending the majority of our time sitting in the hospital, I decided I would give it a try. I figured I had time just sitting to study and I could use the distraction. But as we all know, nothing can distract you from cancer and death. Son I continued to put it off. Five years have passed since that first half-assed attempt.
Pat died and my world has been turned upside down and I totally lost direction. Everything changed for me and I didn’t even know what I wanted to do with my life anymore because I didn’t know who I was anymore. It’s been a quite the journey. I have taken these past three years to try to figure all of these things out. This year, I got a new job which I though would simplify my life and bring me some peace. I thought I wanted a job that was just a job, something that I could leave behind at the end of the day, but it hasn’t turned out to be what I had wanted it to be. I have spent a great deal of this past school year complaining about the position I am in and wanting out but I didn’t do anything to fix it. I hate that! I hate when people complain and do nothing about it. If you aren’t going to try to find an alternative or a solution, than stop complaining. Either fix it or deal with it. And here I was doing that exact thing.
I took a little get away; a break from the kids, the job, and life in general. I went away for a few days and thought about where I was in my life and where I have been the past few years. I thought about what I wanted my future to look like. I started weighing my options and what I may want to do. When it came down to the foundation of all the things I thought I may want to do, it led me to the same place. It seemed like the one thing I really needed to do was to take the NCE and finally be a fully licensed counselor. Oh my God, did this terrify me.
But I took the first step and signed up. I paid the money which I knew meant I was going to work my butt of to prepare for it because I hate wasting money. This was a little step, but for me a huge leap. I had put into motion something that scared the hell out of me. I waited a bit before I set the official test date and made myself a study schedule. I tried to take each step slowly and think it through. I studied and studied and studied for 5 months. The day finally came and I was so scared. I can’t even explain to you as to how scared I was. The morning of the exam my anxiety was through the roof. My hands were shaking and I could hardly breathe. But you know what? I did it. I sat there for two hours and when I hit the button DONE, I simply held my breath and said “It is what it is.”
No matter what the result was, I had done something that scared me. I had done something that I had been putting off for 12 years. I did something. I took a risk, a step in a direction and waited to see what was going to happen next.
And I am happy to say, I passed that test! This giant obstacle that has been looming over me for so long is now officially gone. What a flippin’ relief. I cried tears of joy and happiness. It felt so good to have set a goal and actually do I it. I am so proud of myself. Not that I passed the test, but that I did it. I put my mind to something and actually followed through. I did it without Pat pushing me to do it, though I know he was cheering me on from above. I did it without giving an excuse as to why I couldn’t. I did it without anyone else helping me. I did something for me, about me and all by myself. I didn’t back off or run scared, like I usually have done since Pat died. I stuck it out and that is what I am proud of.
But now what?
That is where I land now. This obstacle, this monster of doom, my excuse is gone. I can’t use that to stop myself from moving forward anymore. It has left me with many more decisions to make and directions I can go in. It makes the next step easier, but also a bit tougher because I actually CAN do these things now. There is nothing holding me back except for me. I am now that monster of doom standing in the way of where my life will take me. This may be scarier than that silly test!
I try. Every single day I am doing my absolute best to hold it all together. But I am not doing so well. I feel trapped. I feel like I am suffocating. I am barely breathing. I’m unsure as to how this has happened. Somehow my life took a turn that left me completely out of control. I feel powerless to all that is happening to me. I feel stuck in a place I am unsure as how to get out of.
But I have hope. I honestly believe there is a reason I am still here. I know that tomorrow will bring me something new as long as I keep reaching for it. Hope is what keeps me getting up and doing what I have to do each and every day. Hope is what motivates me to try again and again and again.
I am happy with where I am now. I read what is written above, which was written not that long ago, and see how far I have come; how much I have grown. I have a plan laid out for my future; for the things I want to do and things I will do. The darkness isn’t as blinding as it once was. I see the way to what I am looking for and I know it is just a matter of time. Each day, each positive thought, each moment of hope brings me closer to the life I never knew I wanted.
Widow with Wings 