Tag: widow

Posted in grief, widow

Lessons from pain

Posted on by Widow with wings

I am not very good at expressing myself with the spoken word.  I have a hard time telling people what I am thinking or feeling..maybe because I don’t want to see the look on their face when  I say it, or I simply don’t want to be judged.  I’m just not good at it.  So instead of saying what I want to say or express, I shove everything down inside and deal with it.  If it’s not something I can resolve in that moment, down it goes.  I shove my thoughts, I shove my feelings…I keep them inside me.  They are mine.  They are apart of my story and a part of my pain.  I try to keep them there because maybe they are deal breakers for people.  Maybe what I want or need is impossible for me to receive.  Maybe asking for it, or saying it out loud makes the thoughts and feelings real and once they are said, they can’t be taken back.  And so out of fear of disappointment, or more pain, I keep it inside of me.

But sometimes, someone says something that acts as a release to the pressure valve inside of me.  Something simple can be said or done, and it triggers emotions, thoughts and feelings that have been locked up inside of me and they come pouring out.   Sometimes they come spewing out at people.  And then I come across as unstable, or crazy or a girls favorite one…hormonal.  When none of this is the truth.  The truth is the release.  My truth is the result of the trigger.  I finally say what was needed to be said.  The thoughts come out about what I want, need or feel without any concern for anyone.

Now, I know this is not the appropriate way to express oneself.  I should be open and honest and have dialogue about my feelings with those in my life.  But the truth is, people say they want this until what is being is said is not wanted to be heard.  And what is talk anyway.  People can say anything.  That doesn’t mean it is true or will ever happen.  People have said so much since Pat died, and how much of that has materialized in my life….pretty damn close to zero.

But that’s not what I’m talking about today.

What am I talking about today?  I am talking about me and my stuffing of feelings.  People see me and think I am doing good.  I am doing good.  I am getting by and finding my way.  I am figuring out being a solo parent, though most days I suck at it.  I am trying to start a new life for myself, but I keep hitting bumps in the road.  I suppose this is normal for anyone.  But sometimes my bumps are people who keep jumping in my way.  Putting their grief, their beliefs on my grief, and their judgment in my pathway.  I honestly don’t give a shit what people think about me and what I am doing….I did for a while, but everyone has a judgment in their mind and none of it changes my reality.  So I don’t care anymore.  I am who I am and I am making the best decisions for me based on my experiences…just like everyone else.

But people feel the need to interject their pain and sorrow and thoughts on how I must be doing or feeling into my life.  I am not a rude person.  I am not intentionally cruel or disrespectful.  I will listen and I will try to make a nice comment in response, but I don’t want to.  I stuff my anger or my annoyance right on down with everything else. Everything I should say or do gets shoved down.  I let myself settle sometimes by doing this.  I think I allow myself to think I don’t deserve all that I want or need or that I am asking too  much from people.  And therefore instead of saying it, I stuff it.  I’m not sure about that one, but it makes sense in this moment.

When the release of these feelings and emotions happen my brain goes into overdrive about what I am doing in my life and the decisions I have made up until this point.  I start thinking about whether not I am truly working for what I want out of life.  I think in general I am, but I think I may have a few priorities out of whack.  I may be putting too much focus on one portion of my life and not enough on others, that in the end may be more important and lasting.  I have been putting a lot of focus on one part of my  life lately..  I think I have been trying to make it mpainfulore important than it truly is.  It can’t be my  end all be all.  It isn’t a sure thing and if I put all my hopes there I may find even more pain.  I need to find some balances with what I want out of life, because if there is nothing else I have learned in the past few years, I have learned that nothing is guaranteed.

So I am sure I will continue stuffing my feelings and emotions, but with each new release of the pain I am learning about me and my path.  Maybe the things I learn are really just lessons I need to learn and I’m simply not ready to hear the message at the time it is received and so I stuff it until a later date.  A date where I am able to hear the truth and see what I must learn.  Maybe I am simply trying to find a positive out of the pain I hold inside.

 

 

Posted in grief, living forward, widow

Come out of the shadows and live your truth

Posted on by Widow with wings

Finding my passion was the easy part.  I think I’ve always known that I wanted to write…I just never knew what to say.  Now I have something to say, but finding the hard part is living the truth of this passion.

Living your truth is a tough thing to do in our society where expectations of how you should look and how much money you should have are constantly shoved in your face.  People have their opinions as to how you should be and how you should be living your life.  But if you are truly living your truth than those things don’t matter.  You know who you are and how you want to live.  You listen to your heart and desires and let them shine through you.

This isn’t easy. I still have obligations and responsibilities to take care of.  For example, I have three boys to raise and a home to keep up.  Let’s just say a paycheck would come in handy.  But I am determined not to settle and to not stray from the path I want to be on for this journey of life.  I keep trying to remind myself that I am doing what is best for me and my family.  I feel balanced right now.  I feel content.  At least I have been, until this week.

This week brought on the pressures of the world.  I started feeling the shadows start to surround me again.  The shadows of fear trying to stop me in my tracks and make me turn around and take a safer path.  Yes, things would be easier financially if I went back to teaching or found a full-time job that paid the right salary.  But everything else in my life would fall out of balance.  My boys need me at home as much as possible.  Simple logistics would be messed up if I went back to a conventional job.  Not to mention the time I have given to myself would be lost.  This year of me is only in its fifth month and livefreeI feel it has served me well so far.  I have become so in touch with myself and my wants and needs in life.  I am just starting to feel at peace with life and settling into this new normal that people talked about since Pat died.  I am finding my center and I am discovering the wonders of life.  I don’t want to settle on any ol’ job just to make some money.  This week I have been spending the time I want to be spending on writing on searching for a job…a job I don’t want or need at the moment.

I am scared of the future.  I am scared of failing.  What if people don’t like what I write?  What if I can’t make any money doing what I love? What if my dreams aren’t successful?  What if?  What if? What if?  That is all that has been running through my mind the past few days.  I am driving myself crazy worrying about the future, when I want to live in the present and do as I am. When the fear sets in it paralyzes you and you can’t make a decision. I can’t make a decision.   I can’t listen to my heart.  I can’t live my truth.  It has to stop… now.

One day more.   I  believe that if I take this one day to refocus…refocus on my truth, then the shadows of fear will retreat yet again.  I will give myself one more day to hide in the shadows before I step  out and send them packing.  I see that this is an ongoing battle I am going to have to face again and again if I honestly want to live my passion, live my truth. I am terrified to face fear, but I need to live the truth I have discovered.  It’s worth the risk to live again.  Pat would expect nothing less of me.

Posted in grief, living forward, widow, widowhood

The gift of widowhood

Posted on by Widow with wings

In the first half of my life, that is before Pat died,  I thought I knew what life was all about. You grow up, you get a job, you get married, have kids, raise your family and someday if you are lucky to retire together as you grow old.  Obviously there are a few pieces of the puzzle missing from that story line, but that was the gist of what I thought life was about.  I always thought there would be time to do everything I wanted to do, or see.  I thought that I was too old or already on my path so that I couldn’t go live my dreams..if I was even sure what those were anymore.  Somewhere along the line in growing up, I think I lost touch with what I wanted as an individual…what I wanted out of life. The things that mattered to me got mixed up or something.   I think I slipped into the conformity of the world and thought stuff was important, and status was important, and a someday would come along when the time was right and I would get to do all that I ever wanted to do.  In short, I had my priorities all messed up.

As we all know, my life didn’t exactly turn out
the way I had thought it was going to.  Instead my husband got sick and died.  My life got turned upside down and I was left in a ball on the floor trying to figure out what to do next.  This was a terrible tragedy.  It was a nightmare of pain and suffering.  This was unfair…

This was a gift.

Now this took me a while to see…a positive coming out of losing the love of my life?  But I can see it now.  Something good did rise up from the ashes of my former life….my new life.  My new perspective.  My new attitude towards living.  My meaning of life has changed and for the better, in my opinion.

giftThis second chance or second chapter of my life is different.  I see things in such a different way.  I want to live and fully embrace the meaning of life.  I want to explore this world and experience it.  I want to do what I want to do.  I want to follow my heart and my passion.  I don’t want to settle.  I don’t want to give in.  I don’t want to worry about the little things.  There is so much more to life than things.  This leads me to living more simple.  I have been purging my house of belongings…of things I never needed.  I don’t want stuff anymore.  I want experiences…I want memories.  I want to do and I want to be.  I understand that life isn’t always that simple.  I am going to have to go back to work and do something to pay the bills eventually.  I am still going to have the mundane chores of life, but I see those different now too

Even though I won’t get everything I want,  that doesn’t mean I’m going to give up dreaming.  I am dreaming big these days and putting it out into the universe to see what comes back to me.  I am focusing on being positive and living my truth.  I know who I am.  I know what I want.  And I deserve to have it all.  We all do.  My all has simply changed since Pat left me.  It’s bigger than before.  It’s connected to my soul more.  I loved the life we
had.  I loved the plans we had together and would give anything to have him back to see them through.  But this is not an option we widows get to have.  I have to accept the change that was given to me…I need to embrace it and run forward into it.  This gift of a second chapter is an opportunity to truly live.  I am working on that principle.  I am listening to my heart and reaching for the stars.   Live life with passion.  Live life with love.  Don’t just simply exist in this world…Go live it.

 

Posted in grief, widow

It’s not the New Year for this Widow

Posted on by Widow with wings

From the moment Pat died, my life was changed completely.  I have talked a lot about how I have changed from his death, and everything in my world has changed from his death, but what I find amazing is that even time has changed for me.  This week marks the beginning of the new year from the stand point of every day time.  2016 rolls out and we all ring in 2017.  We take new years eve to reflect on this past year and all that has happened and we look towards the coming year with hope and great expectations.  We make new years resolutions and set new goals for ourselves.  It’s like the stroke of midnight is a reset button for us.  A time to see where we have been and make the changes we want to make in our lives.

I see it different.

After Pat died, my annual clock shifted to April 5.  That is my mark of the new year.  This date is when I reflect on where I have been in the past year and I look forward to the next year.  It is the day that I see that  I have survived another year without him.  I have managed to keep on breathing another year without him.  And with that, I look to the next year with hope for more healing and more peace.

I know the calendar shows a new year beginning on Sunday, but to me it is still the second year without Pat.  I haven’t quite made it into my new year.  My timeline is different now…just like so much of my life is different now.

So though I like to celebrate new years eve and watch the crystal ball drop in times square at midnight….I know in my heart that I am still trying to live this second year the best I can.  Come April I will reflect on how far I have come without Pat by my side and I will look into the third year with hope and determination for a better life for myself and the boys.

 

learn

Posted in grief, widow

A note to myself: you’re doing better than you think

Posted on by Widow with wings

I find that  I need to remind myself these days that I am not only surviving as a solo mom of three, but that I am doing a good job.  I tend to focus on the things I am not doing, or the mistakes I am making rather than looking at how far I have come and what I have accomplished.  I think this is normal.  I am terrible at expressing myself verbally to people in order to tell them how I am feeling and so when I feel I have something to say to them, I write them a letter.  Well, right now I feel as though I need to write a letter to myself to express what I am feeling towards me…a sort of reminder or check in on how I am honestly doing as a widowed mother of three.  So here is what I have to say…

 

Dear Denise,

I know this has been a tough road you have been on and you have been beaten down to where you don’t want to get up again.  Your days are a constant struggle to find your way and raising those boys has been exhausting.  But I want you to know that you have impressed me with how far you have come.  I remember after Pat died how you had to consciously tell yourself to get up and take care of the boys.  Every moment of your life was something you had to intentionally do.  You didn’t know how to do anything and didn’t want to do anything.  How many times did you drop the kids at school and just want to keep on driving until you disappeared?  I remember those times of darkness.  You didn’t think you would ever make it through the day….but you did.  You went to sleep each night and woke again in the morning.  You got up, did what you had to do the best that you could, and kept on going.  It was the most difficult thing you have ever had to do….I know this.

And time has passed and you are still going.  You are no longer taking baby steps to get through the day.   Not even baby stepping through the week.  You are out of bed, out of the fog and heading out of the darkness.  I know you have put a lot of work into where you are now.  This healing didn’t just happen on its own.  You put in the time, reflected on who you are, who you were, where you’ve been, and where you want to go.  You have pondered, and cried, questioned and cried,  searched and cried and cried some more.  You battled the demons in your head and worked on healing your heart.  You took the time to introduce yourself to the new you and spent the time getting to know who you are now.  You gave yourself the gift of grace and the gift of time to  find your path and gain your footing on this new journey.

You did all of this while raising three boys.  You have held them up and held them tight.  You comforted them when they were lost, and scared and sad.  You helped to guide them in the right direction and to see the beauty in a life worth living.  You help them to remember their daddy and to see him in their everyday lives.  You did this.  No one else.  You kept your little family going the best way you knew how.  You did this and you should see that.  You should be proud of that.

None of this has been easy…I am aware of this fact.  You did what you had to do.  You have made mistakes along the way.  But you are learning from them and living forward.  You are not letting your loss and pain and suffering be the end of you.  You must keep going for you and for your boys.  There is an amazing future for you if you just keep working for it.  Keep living with an open heart and an open mind.  Focus on what you are looking for and remember what is truly important to you.  That is how you will find your happy ending.  Only you know how to get to that place.  Only you can bring you to true happiness.  You have done so much already…there is no quitting now.  Don’t quit before the miracle happens.  Stay the course and keep true to you.

You know what you are doing…even though you say you don’t.  Trust your instincts, follow your heart, listen to your gut.  Love those boys like never before and keep working towards your dream.  You so totally got this.

With all my faith in you for the future,

Denise

 

Posted in grief, living forward, widow

A Widows Christmas: Part 2

Posted on by Widow with wings

 

This is my second holiday season as a widow.  Last year  I spent the holidays just trying to get everything done and make sure the boys had everything they needed and that they felt comfortable without their dad.   I tried to keep it as “normal” as I could under our circumstances.  See last year we were not in our own home.  Not only had we lost Pat, but we had to leave our home for six months due to some major construction to the foundation of the house.  We spent the holidays in a rental home.  We didn’t have access to our Christmas decorations, or anything.  We didn’t have lights, or stockings, or anything that made us feel like it was Christmas.  We were living out of boxes and in a mess of things.  But the holidays come no matter where you are or what state of mind you are in.

I thought I was doing okay.  I was getting all the shopping done, staying on top of school parties and making sure Christmas morning was just as it always had been before Pat died…like that was even possible.  But I was trying.  We always had a breakfast casserole and cinnamon rolls for breakfast after opening presents.  And we always had spaghetti dinner.  I was prepped and ready for the day.

The boys came down and were happy to open presents and give me the gifts they had made.  It felt okay.  We were doing okay.  And then it was time for breakfast.  I took all the ingredients out to get cooking but didn’t have a pan to cook it in.  We had a house full of rental furniture and dishes and stuff and there was no casserole dish to cook breakfast.  This was what broke me.  I left the house in search of a store to buy a pan, crying the whole way.  I couldn’t do this on my own.  I wasn’t cut out for this.  I had messed up and ruined Christmas.  I ended up at my friend’s house in the neighborhood crying on her couch as she quickly found me a casserole dish to help me out.  I was a mess.  It pretty much summed up my first Christmas as a widow.  I had been shoving down all the pain, and sadness I was feeling just to push through the days with the boys.  I was putting on a show for everyone, including myself, that I was doing okay.  I wasn’t…  What a joke.

So here I am in the middle of my second Christmas season as a widow.  We are less than a week away from the big day and all I can say is what a difference a year can make.  I don’t feel that agonizing pain and loss.  I don’t feel alone and overwhelmed.  This year it seems people have gone away, as they do, and so we weren’t pulled in as many directions as we were last year.  There weren’t the parties or get-together we use to have to attend.   And last year I felt obligated to go to everything and see everyone.  I was worried about hurting other people…  I’ve gotten over that.  Now I worry about the four of us and what we need.  So I am sure that has helped me out this year.  I can focus on what is most important and that is us being together and making memories together.

Now don’t get me wrong. This is no Norman Rockwell painting here.  I do have three boys between the ages of 13 and 10…there is a lot of chaos and fighting going on in this house.  But it is something that just is.  It isn’t a result of Pat not being here.  It’s just the fact that there are three boys filled with testosterone fighting for their place in this house.  It just is.  We aren’t weighed down this year with the sadness.  Yes we miss him.  Yes we wish he was here to celebrate and be with us.  But that’s not our reality.  We can’t live like it is.  I am glad that we aren’t .  We are all trying to turn the page and start living forward.  We have started to make new traditions.  We are changing some of the old traditions too.  It is a part of becoming the new us.  The Mahoney 5 is gone in the physical sense and so we can’t expect everything else to stay the same too.  We have created our new family and our new way of being.  It has brought new challenges, but it has also brought us new happiness.

I think that this year is better because the fog has lifted.  I don’t feel that weight holding me down.  I can see where I am headed and I know we will figure it all out.  Each day is still a struggle, but it is not the same struggle as it was last year.  Now it is more of the struggle to raise these boys and help them to succeed in life.  Parenting alone is the struggle this year…not the holidays.

So as the days bring us closer to celebrating Christmas,  I am hoping that I truly am doing Okay this year.  I am hoping that this year will not end up as a rerun of last year.  I don’t feel as though it will.  But hey, this widowhood thing always has a surprise waiting around the corner and sometimes you just don’t know what is coming your way.  I am just going to try to keep on moving in the right direction and pray for a peaceful, Merry Christmas.

 

img_20161205_192201841
Merry Christmas   2016

 

 

Posted in grief, inspiration, living forward, widow, widowhood

To the new generation of widows

Posted on by Widow with wings

Since I have been writing I have connected with a large community of widows and widowers.  What I have noticed and learned about it is that we are a new generation of widows.  We are not the picture you think of when you think of the word widow.  We are no longer the little old lady or man dressed in black walking around broken and alone.  We don’t hide out and depend on others for everything because we are broken in two.

The new generation has a passion for life.  We have been broken but we will not remain that way.  We are empowered.  We have a voice and we want to be heard.  We no longer want to hide away and suffer the rest of our lives.  We want to find a way out of the darkness and live again.  Sometimes it may take a while for this to happen and sometimes we slip in and out of the darkness, but the difference is that we want to find a way out.

Thanks to social media and the internet we can find a place where we can see that we are not alone.  There are others just like us and what we are going through is normal and okay.  We can lean on each other, whether it is through a simple email or reading someones blog about their experiences.  When we connect with each other we take another step out of the darkness.  I am thankful for this.

cocoon

I don’t think the widows of the past had this.  They had no way to find one another.  They were alone in their suffering and others looked on them as broken and were either forgotten or pitied. I don’t want to be either.  I want to be a part of the world again.  I want to burn the fire that still lives inside me for all to see.

We need to continue to listen to each other and share with each other without judgment.  We all have our story and our own road to healing.  There is no one right way.  Just what is the right for you.

Another difference is that it seems to be us widows are getting younger and younger.  There is a large group of us out there that are under the age of 50 and have lost our spouse.  We still have a lot of life left to live.  It isn’t the life we had planned on, but there is still life out there.  This new generation of widows now have to grieve for their loss, find their new life and start to live again.  It isn’t the same group of widows who were married for 50 years and will spend the rest of their lives alone.  Not they all do either.  Not that they don’t feel the same pain.  It’s just different.

I have found that being a young widow has its challenges.

  1. the challenge of having to continue to raise young children.
  2.  figuring out where we fit in this world of couples as a young single person.
  3. trying to navigate the financial world on your own and plan for the unknown future
  4. finding people to connect with that understand
  5. navigating family situations both nuclear and in-laws
  6. not having a partner to lean on
  7. and so much more…

I never imagined I would be a 40-year-old widow.  I never thought it was even in the realm of possibility.  But here I am and here you are.  We are widowed.  We are young.  We have a life left to live.  I have to believe we are still here for a reason and there is still more for us to do.

So to this new generation of widows I say we stand tall and stand together.  We are strong in who we are and what we want in life. We can make decisions for ourselves based on what we want and what we need.   We can have the life we deserve without others judgment or disapproval.  We do not have to suffer in silence or dress all in black…though I do enjoy wearing black.  We can go out with friends.  We can laugh out loud.  We can have a good time.  And in time we can find happiness again…

Posted in grief, living forward, widow, widowhood

Ready to Walk the Talk

Posted on by Widow with wings

I recently read a blog about walking between your two lives after the loss of a loved one.  It clicked with me and has left me thinking about where I am walking in my life right now.  The idea of the blog was that as a widow, as she is one too, there comes  a time when you are living with one foot in your former life and one foot in the new world you have made for yourself.  You have to try to balance the two and wait for the right time to fully step into your “new normal”, your new life.

I am finishing up my second year as a widow and I am amazed at how the journey of grief has gone so far. The beginning was all about surviving the pain and shock that came with Pat’s death.  It was about helping the kids adjust and understand.  It was simply forcing myself to get through each day.  By the time the end of the first year rolled around I thought I was in a pretty good place with things.

I was wrong.  The beginning of the second year was rough…on all of us.  It came at us without expecting it which may have made the hit feel even harder.  We were thrown off kilter for a bit but then settled back in.  Most of this second year was about trying to figure out who I am now in this new world of mine. Trying to figure out what to do now.  I accepted the loss of Pat and the fact that life will never be the same again.  I learned that I am no longer the same person and what I want and desire in life is no longer the same.  This has been my main focus for some time now.  I am getting there.  I have learned a lot about me and I have decided what I want and don’t want in life.  The details aren’t completely mapped out just yet, but who’s life is a perfect plan in action?
Now I am finding myself in a new place.  The feelings that go along with it are different too.  Living in the end of my second year and seeing the third year heading towards me leads me to a place of let’s get up and get going.  I think I have done a hell of a lot work for years now.  I have thought about everything.  I have analyzed, critiqued, adjusted and improved myself.   I like who I am.  I like where I am at…basically.  The place I am in now is one of being ready to move forward.  I have talked about the need to continue to move forward and in my mind I have.  I have prepared myself mentally and emotionally for the move.  Now I am ready to do it.  I am ready for action.  I am ready to step into the new life.  It has come that time for me to say goodbye to that in between place we widows live in for a while.  I have dipped my toes into life multiple times and retreated back to my safety, but here I am…ready.

actionI think the fact that I have been writing like crazy shows I am back in the game. My book is coming along nicely and I am ready to begin the process of starting a non-profit.  I am sure I will still be hesitant about things, but I know that now I am ready to get going on with this thing called life.  It is time to start putting my words into action.

Walking between my two lives is sometimes quite a balancing act and it is mostly done in order to make others feel comfortable with things.  People have their own opinions as to how we should live after the loss of a spouse.  Even though they have never experienced it.  It is okay.  I get it.  I didn’t know before I was one too.  I thought I knew what it would be like or what I would or wouldn’t ever do, but you never know until you live it.  I understand that people can be uneasy with me finding a happy life after Pat.  It’s not that they don’t want me to be happy…they do.  But it needs to be on their timeline…when they think I should start being happy and what that should look like.  So I walk that line.  I don’t want to hurt people or make them think I didn’t love Pat or our life together by finding happiness again.  I want to be considerate of others feelings and ease them into the new me.  All that I have now…happiness and my new life honestly has nothing to do with the love I have for Pat.  It is two separate things.  The amazing thing about the heart is that there is room for more than just one love…more than just one life can bring you happiness.

There is no way in hell I would have believed any of that 2 years ago.  But now that I have lived this life, I know that it is.  The heart has an abundance of love to give.  Just because you love another, doesn’t diminish anything you had with the first.  The love goes on.  Just because you find happiness and peace doesn’t mean you are “over”  anything.  I will never be “over” losing Pat.  The pain is just something different now.   The wound has healed over, but the scar will always remain.  My love with him and my life with him will always be with me.  I will always have that.  And I am proud to have that.  Having a second shot at life and finding happiness or love or peace in life doesn’t take that away.  It is different, but it can be amazing.

So as I am entering this next chapter of the grief journey I am ready to take the next steps necessary to ease me out of the waiting room and back out into the world.  I have come to that point where I am wanting to get up and do something.

I hope you all stay with me on this journey.  I can’ wait to see what keeps coming my way. It has been quite an adventure so far.  I never thought I would make it to this point and find my way out of the fog of grief.  I don’t only see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can finally feel the warmth of it shining down on me.

Posted in grief, solo parenting, widow

the struggle is real

Posted on by Widow with wings

I am struggling these days with raising my boys.  My boys are 13, 11 and 10 and they are a handful.  They are full of energy and full of life.  I envy that in them.  They love to take risks and try new things and go out on a limb (literally at times) to have a good time.  They have their father’s adventurous spirit and his rebellious attitude.  The second is what is pushing me over the edge these days.  I have had to learn, basically from the time of their birth, that my boys need the freedom to explore life and live in it.  I know that they like to be a little crazy and a little loud and they simply are always looking for a good time.  But lately, they have taken this attitude in to a negative place.  They are not showing me the respect that I think I deserve.

I try to give my boys all that they need.  This isn’t in a materialistic way, because I don’t live that kind of life.  But in the fact that they are allowed to do a great deal and are given great opportunities to  jump into their passions and interests.  I want my boys to have a strong foundation to launch themselves out in this world.  I want them to know that their momma believes in them and their dreams, and will always be their number one fan.  I want them to know that their daddy wanted nothing more from them than for them to find happiness, love and passion for life.

But they are pushing me over the edge with their behavior lately.  I just need some help from them.  I need them to listen to me and do the little bit I ask of them.  I ask for their help with the groceries, with putting their dishes in the sink, keeping their rooms in a decent condition (I’m not delusional that it will be clean all the time), I ask that they don’t call each other names and beat on each other all the time, and I ask that they treat me with respect.  They aren’t doing such a great job at the moment.

So today I finally lost it. I blew my top with them.  I told them how I felt….what I expected from them and what I had been given lately from them.  I told them I didn’t know what else to do because I have been trying…I am doing my best, but nothing is working.  So this is where we came to.  Me acting like a screaming lunatic in the kitchen.  And they cried.  And I didn’t care.

Does that make me a horrible mom?  I don’t think so.  I want to get through to them.  I want them to understand that I am struggling with being a single mom.  I am having a hard time filling the shoes of their father, but I am doing my best.  But I also want them to know that I love them.  And they do.

They know that I will tuck them in and help them with their homework.  They know that tomorrow morning I will make them breakfast and drive them to school.  They know they can count on me and I will always have their back.  They know their momma  loves them.

But sometimes momma needs a little love too.  I need to hear the thank yous and the I love yous.  My boys aren’t so quick with those words, which only makes them mean so much more when I hear them unprompted.

I don’t know what I need to do now with them.  I am at a crossroad.  They need their daddy here.  I need their daddy here to step in and put down the hammer when needed.  They just aren’t buying it from me anymore.  Something needs to change with them.  It’s either I need to change my reaction to them, or they need to change their reaction to me….maybe it’s a little of both.

We had quite a “discussion” this …me explaining where I stand at the top of my lungs…not my finest moment as a mother.  I think we need to try again in a calmer way to have a heart to heart.  A family meeting.  A meeting of minds and hearts to get this little family back on track.  I can’t keep going on like this.  And they don’t want or need a momma who is feeling the way I am right now.  The struggle to raise these boys is a daily grind that wears me down.  I wouldn’t trade them for anything in this world.  They are my life and my world.  I’m just looking for a little peace in that world.  Is that too much to ask?

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Posted in grief, living forward, widow

The tears of a widow

Posted on by Widow with wings

A year and half later the tears are still falling.  I have cried so much and for so long, I don’t know how there are still tears left to be produced.  I cry for more than just my loss of Pat and the loss of me.  I cry for all that I can not have and can not be.  I cry for all that I have and all that I will never have.  The feelings are much more intense now.  I feel so much.

tearsBut the tears aren’t just running down my cheek for you all to see.  I cry inside, I cry alone.  My days are not like they use to be.  There is so much more to ponder.  So much more to feel.  All the pressure that comes with being a widow can break you.  But we widows, we are strong.  We have been through hell and are fighting our way out.  We know how to hide our pain and struggles. We hold it in and make it our own.   I don’t like to share my inner thoughts and pain with others because I don’t think anyone truly understands.  And I’m glad for them that they don’t, but I am sad for me that they don’t.  It’s hard when you are all alone on the inside.  Feeling like you are the only one that knows your pain and struggle.  There are people who understand parts of what you are feeling and certainly there are many who can empathize, but it’s so not the same.  The pain we have is so real and personal.  We want for someone to get it, but we don’t want to have to explain it to any of them.  We cry inside for someone to understand.  We shed a tear when we can’t find a way to make it better.

But a tear is a sign that we are alive.  It is the way our soul opens up and speaks to the world.  We can’t always say what we are feeling and sometimes we don’t even now what we are trying to say.  Tears give our soul a voice.  And it doesn’t have to mean we are in a bad place.  It simply is a way of clearing our way for better things to come.

Each tear is for something different.  The tears tell our story and reminds us we are still here and there is life to be lived.  The tears of a widow aren’t always shed for the one who has passed.  Our tears are so much more than the heartache we suffered.  The tears help to wash away the pain and move us along our path.

I’m moving along mine.  I really am.  I’m lucky.  I have found someone who understands.  Someone who has lost their love.  We share our feelings.  We share our pain.  We understand where we have been, where we are.  But this doesn’t make it all better…it simply helps in the healing.  Because it helps to be heard and to be understood.  It helps to have someone put into words the feelings you are feeling inside but you can’t express.  For the tears just keep coming.  And the pain still remains.   I may have tears in my eyes and pain in my heart, but my soul is working its way back into the world and it is ready to shine brighter than ever before.