10 Years Later

I can’t believe it has been ten years since I last saw you, or talked to you, or simply sat in your presence. Time has gone so slowly since the day you left this earth, and yet it has flown by. So much has happened and so much has changed in our lives and in the world around us; I sometimes find it hard to grasp how everything feels so different yet so familiar. The boys aren’t little boys anymore; they have transformed into grown men, each creating their own paths in life, filled with dreams of their own, navigating life with a courage that reminds me of you.

I’ve been thinking about when you left us and how I never thought I would be able to breathe again. I could barely get myself out of bed let alone think about a future. I lost everything in that moment and I was lost and confused and had no idea of how to move forward without you. But time just keeps moving and the world just keeps spinning whether I want to move forward or not. And as time passes and things change, pain heals. It eases, it changes, it simply becomes a part of you like a scar or a tatoo you carry forever. Each day I woke up, did what I had to do and slowly started to sculpt a new life.

Things have changed remarkably over the years. I can hardly remember everything we’ve been through in the last decade. The first significant event after your passing was seeing our home crumble around us; we had to relocate for a few months, and the place we once shared has since been beautifully transformed into a new house. After that, I left my job, dedicating a year to stay home with the boys as I figured out our next steps. Quinn and Aidan transferred from Troy Schools to private school—though not to Brother Rice as you might have wished, Notre Dame has turned out to be a good choice! I took a position at the school and finally completed my testing for my counseling license. Shortly after, I began working as a counselor, fulfilling a dream I once thought would remain out of reach. Seamus graduated high school and moved to Savannah for art school, and Quinn also graduated and is at college in Ohio. Now, Aidan is preparing to graduate high school and is considering what is next in his future. I finally have a daughter in my life with Seamus’s girlfriend Sarah joining our family. And here I am making a bold move by leaving the school environment to start working in private practice as a therapist for the very first time. Along this journey, we’ve welcomed two dogs, three cats, a rabbit, and a fish into our family. Somehow, I’ve managed to keep us afloat and even bought cars for the kids. So much has occurred in such a brief span of time. You’ve missed it all, but I know you would be immensely proud of each of us.

The grief doesn’t consume us anymore. We still miss you like crazy; your laughter, your kindness, and your warmth are irreplaceable…we talk about you, laugh about you, and remember you every single day. We notice your absence in the smallest moments and wish you were here to see the world today, to share in both the good times and challenges we now face. But we have also found a new life, for we aren’t the same as we were before you left. Your death left a profound hole in each of us that has healed, but it was healed with new memories, new meaning, and new perspectives on life that continue to evolve. God has become a central figure in my life, a source of strength and comfort. He has carried me through these past ten years, guiding me in moments of uncertainty and holding me close in moments of despair. Nothing is as it was when you were here…how could it possibly be. The world stopped for us the day you left, but thankfully, it slowly started spinning again. It may look different, with new faces and places, and feel different, shaped by our experiences and growth, but it is still spinning. We are learning to cherish the beautiful memories you left behind while moving ahead into the future.

Ten years, a whole decade without you…not what I would have imagined my life to be, but I have to honest, it isn’t bad. It’s just insanely different. We are happy. We make new memories, have new traditions, feel hopeful, have dreams and love. We have all of these things not because you are gone, but because you are apart of us still. You live in our hearts and in our minds, just like you told us you would. It is because of you and the love you had for all of us that we have been able to forge a new path in this world. Your hand has guided my path these last ten years. I know it was you wanting me to step out of my comfort zone, try new things, take chances and find love again. I know this because you loved me so much. That is something I do not doubt. You may have left me in the physical sense on this earth, but I know you are with me every moment of every day. I see you in the boys faces, I hear you in music, I smell you when the boys wear your cologne, I feel you near when I worry my parenting or decisions I am making. You are here. You are proud of me. You want me to be happy. And you will always love me. These are truths I do not doubt.

You have been gone now half of the time we were together. It is unbelievable how quickly time has gone by. When this journey first began, I never thought I would make it to ten years. I couldn’t imagine anything without you by my side. But what I have learned over these years is what life is about for me. It is about love. It is about caring for others and loving the people in your life, cherishing every moment and memory created together. It really is that simple. Love never ends; it evolves, deepens, and expands. You are forever in my heart, and you are a part of me and my story, woven into the fabric of who I am. Nothing takes away from the love we shared; it remains a guiding force in my life. But the amazing thing about love is that it isn’t limited; it knows no boundaries. It isn’t something you only get once and are done. Love is unlimited in your life, allowing us to experience its beauty time and time again and I deserve to live a life again, filled with laughter and joy. I deserve to love again, to open my heart to new possibilities. I deserve to find happiness again, embracing every opportunity that comes my way, nurturing the love that resides within me and radiates outward. I know you wouldn’t want me to waste a single moment on this earth doing anything other than living my best life. You would have given anything to have one more day to live, so why would I waste the gift I have been given?

I’m not going to. I am done simply trying to survive. That chapter is closing, and I can finally feel a sense of peace washing over me. These ten years have shown me that I am stronger and more capable than I ever imagined possible. It is scary to live this life without you and navigate it on my own, but I have raised your boys the best I could, instilling in them values and lessons that I hope will guide them throughout their lives. I couldn’t be prouder of the men they are turning out to be; their kindness and resilience inspire me every day. I have worked hard to support us and build a good life despite the challenges that we faced. I have taken risks with trying new careers, stepping out of my comfort zone, and embracing new opportunities that have come my way, and I am ready to do it again. I am ready to do it all again…to live, to love, and continue to grow, to explore the world with open arms, and to discover all the joys that life has yet to offer.